12-round play – for pros

By

Doru Marculescu

Characters:

GEORGE LASER – sales executive, around 25, alias “JOEL” – youthful, shy and flat voice;

ALIDRUC KERIM – coach/manager, aged 40, alias “GURU” – steady though unctuous voice;

BILL MUFFET – magnat/businessman, aged 30 plus, alias“NERO” – deep, thunderous voice;

ANNOUNCER – sports commentator – girl, high-pitched, brisk voice.

Preamble

The action takes place in a boxing ring.

ANNOUNCER: Laaadies and geeents! Welcome to the National Kick-Selling Preliminaries. The hall is full to overflowing on the night of the great show. In a few moments the candidates for the title shall make their way towards the ring. You are about to witness an unprecedented show of force and strategy. Prepare yourselves for blood and tears.

The audience starts to roar.

ANNOUNCER: This evening you will see a … miiilion dollar bout. For the first time in the ring, George Laser, alias Joel! Though youth and enthusiastic, he looks quite dishevelled. Are we going to witness the start of a new champion? Or shall we be witnesses to yet another live execution?

The audience responds with timid applause.
ANNOUNCER: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, as Laser is coached by the well-known and magnificent former champion: master Alidruuuc Kerim! A true Guru of the ring, weary yet greenful, an exceptional professional who has not known defeat throughout his entire career.

The audience chants: “LEA-DER, LEA-DER!”

ANNOUNCER: Laaadies and geeents! So far undefeated, possessed of an admirable excellence of manipulation, a fragrant miracle of persuasion: in the lively enthusiasm of the gallery (THE AUDIENCE: “KI-LLER! KI-LLER!”) the extraordinary champion Biiil Muuuffeeet enters the ring! Also known as Neeerooo, he has five mentally retarded, two socially maladapted, four retards and three schizophrenics to his credit. What a great man!

Audience: KILL HER, KILL HER!

GURU: Are you ready?

NERO: He looks ready…

JOEL: Father, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

GURU: It’s only a game…

JOEL: Thy Kingdom come.

NERO: Where is your mum?

JOEL: Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.

GURU: Watch out your head…

JOEL: And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

GURU: (SHOWING) Play your feet thus…

JOEL: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

NERO: I am the winner primeval.

JOEL: Amen.

ANNOUNCER: Two brave, decided men.

JOEL: Angel of God, my guardian dear…

NERO: I smell some fear…

JOEL: To whom God’s love commits me here…

GURU: Start your career…

JOEL: Ever this day, be at my side…

ANNOUNCER: Jekyll and Hyde…

JOEL: To light and guard, rule and guide.

NERO: You will be fried…

JOEL: Amen.

NERO: Again.

GURU: Three, two, one, leave your corner!

NERO: He’d have better brought a mourner.

GONG!
JOEL: You are done.

ANNOUNCER: The show has begun.

Round I

Deathly silence. Joel dials a number on his mobile phone – beeps can be heard.

ANNOUNCER: Seems like Joel is not familiar with the gloves.

GURU: Don’t forget: never lower your guard…

JOEL: (TIMIDLY, FAR OFF) Hello!

ANNOUNCER: A light, badly aimed punch.

NERO: YES!

GURU: Protect yourself always…

ANNOUNCER: Muffet counter with a punch in the mouth. Joel reels.

GURU: Move nearer!

JOEL: (STILL TIMIDLY) Hello, I am George Laser from Media News.

ANNOUNCER: Laser punches like a lady.

GURU: Cover up!

NERO: (LANDING A HARD PUNCH) And what do you want from me?

ANNOUNCER: Muffet catches him with his guard up and plunges his fist in his stomach.

GURU: Come on, hit him!

JOEL: (SLOWLY) I am calling in the hope you might accept me to present you, if I may…

ANNOUNCER: Laser corners the champion, though quite unconvincingly.

GURU: Come on, lad, livelier!

NERO: Be brief, money is time.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet comes back in the centre and retorts vulgarly.

GURU: Come on, lad, this is not a game of chess.

Audience: “LA-SER, LA-SER!”

JOEL: I wanted to present you our offer concerning your listing in…

ANNOUNCER: Laser seems to recollect himself, but kicks hesitantly…

NERO: My listing?

ANNOUNCER: …missing his target.

JOEL: (KICKS LIGHTLY) Well, of your company…

GURU: Move on, take him from the right.

NERO: Listing in what…?

ANNOUNCER: But the champion doesn’t miss and lands a hard blow between his ribs. Joel reels.

JOEL: In the catalogue…

NERO: (KICKS) I’m busy right now.

ANNOUNCER: Laser withstands the blow…
GURU: Kick him, lad, for heaven’s sake!
Audience (gradually turns into): “LOO-SER, LOO-SER!”

JOEL: (DIZZY) I beg your pardon.

ANNOUNCER: Joel is in a sad plight…

NERO: Okay, are you done?

GURU: Cosh him!

JOEL: May I call you back later?

GURU: Is he stupid or what…?

NERO: (WITH A WELL-AIMED BLOW, HANGS UP) You may.

ANNOUNCER: An uppercut that shuttered his brains.

GURU: Don’t let him get away.

JOEL: (DIZZY) Good day.

GONG!

Break 1

NERO: To hell with your offers!

ANNOUNCER: Let’s hope though we shall not waste our time tonight.

GURU: What was that?

NERO: (ORDERS) A fresh orange juice.

JOEL: He gave me a tough time.

GURU: I wasn’t referring to him, but to you.

JOEL: I really caught it in the neck.

GURU: Well, what did you expect him to do? Caress you? Ask you to attack him?

JOEL: He kicked me as if I were a cow.

GURU: He couldn’t possibly mistake you.

ANNOUNCER: A first warm-up round for the champion from which Laser got out quite banged.

JOEL: What was I supposed to do?

GURU: Strike him at least one good blow.

JOEL: But you said footwork is the key.

GURU: Lad, you have a problem with your head, not feet. You let him dominate you continually.

JOEL: He was busy.

GURU: And you thought he was expecting you, didn’t you? He had nothing better to do and was desperate you didn’t call. You bloody idiot!

ANNOUNCER: Guru seems to be encouraging him…

GURU:  And what was that crap (IMITATING) “May I call you back later”? Even if he was busy, you shouldn’t have left empty-handed.

JOEL: I tried, but he rushed me.

GURU : You should’ve broken his nose (SOBER): “When may I call you back: this afternoon or tomorrow morning?” Clear?

NERO: (STRETCHING AND ORDERING) I’m thirsty. Beer!

GURU: Even better: “one or two o’clock”?

JOEL: In the morning?

GURU: Nay, in autumn. Give him the chance of choosing, let him feel good.

Nero dozes off and starts snoring.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is full of energy.

GURU: He’ll have the impression that it’s him who decides.

JOEL: I haven’t thought of that.

GURU: You’re not here to think, but to fight! Get it?

JOEL: Yea, boss.

GURU: (IRONICALLY) Well done! “May I call you back later?” What could he say? Yes or NOOO. And NO means Knock Out.

JOEL: (PENITENTLY) I’m sorry.

GURU: Don’t let him lead the talk. Be polite, but firm.

JOEL: I see!

GURU: Fortunately he didn’t say no.

ANNOUNCER: Nobody expected Laser to resist the first round.

GONG!

GURU : Now you go there and work! Think like a champ, (OFF) you moron.

ANNOUNCER: Seeecond round.

Round II 

In his corner, Joel is throwing his fists absent-mindedly, more and more jerkily, left and right, while Nero keep snoring.

ANNOUNCER: The champion looks quite concentrated.
JOEL: (DIALING) Come on, pick up!

Phone ringing.
JOEL: (ON THE SECOND RING): Pick uuuup…

ANNOUNCER: Laser insists.

On the third ring Joel hangs up.

GURU: What are you doing, lad?

JOEL: (EXCUSING) I may be disturbing him.

GURU: See that I don’t disturb your façade. Call him till he picks up.

Joel hits redial.
NERO: Who the hell…?

JOEL: Please, pick up.

NERO: That shit again?

GURU: Don’t you hang up or I’ll kill you.

NERO: (AFTER THREE RINGS REJECTS THE CALL) Balls to your beeps!

JOEL: (PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN) He hang up.

GURU: Of course he did, you should have given him a moment.

JOEL: But, you said…

GURU: He might be in a meeting.

NERO: (ORDERS) Coffee, quick.

GURU: Now what! Are you expecting him to call you back?

JOEL: Well, maybe he hasn’t done.

GURU: What’s up, lad, tired already?

JOEL: (REDIALLING) No, boss.

ANNOUNCER: Joel does not give up.

NERO: (FUMBLING WITH THE PHONE) I’ll put it on vibrate, motherfuckers…
GURU: That’s it, don’t give up!

NERO: …maybe Godfather will call, though.

GURU: Keep trying till you strike home.

JOEL: (LETTING THE PHONE RING) Helloo!

NERO: (PHONE VIBRATES) He’s playing with fire.
JOEL (DESPERATE, KEEPS THROWING BLOWS IN THE AIR, STUMBLES AND FALLS) HELLOOO! HEEELL!

ANNOUNCER: Laser is full of force.
After five rings: (V.O.) “Beep. Please leave your message after the beep. When finished, hang up. Beep.”
JOEL: (HANGS UP AND PICKS HIMSELF UP) Nooo. Not again!

GURU: Don’t throw in the towel, you have nothing to lose.

JOEL: My brains, boss.

GURU: Exactly, nothing to lose.
NERO: What if I took the battery out? Now be my guest to call as long as you want, moron.

ANNOUNCER: Is this the end of it?
GURU: Come on, one last try.

JOEL: (DIALLING) I could leave him a message.

GURU : ‘tis now or never.

ANNOUNCER: Joel is on his knees.

JOEL: I beg you, pick uuuup…
Voice-off speaking: “…the subscriber you have called is not receiving calls at this time. Please call back later.”
GONG!.

JOEL: (FALLS TO THE GROUND) Miserable!

Break 2

ANNOUNCER: So far Laser has been nothing but a sparring-partner.

JOEL: “Beep” yourself.

NERO: (GRINNING, TO THE BARMAN) Whisky…

GURU: (HELPING HIM TO THE CHAIR) Up-a-daisy!

NERO: …and a Havana!

JOEL: “Beep” him and his mouth!

GURU: All right, that’s enough!

ANNOUNCER: Let us hope though that Laser shall start the bout.
JOEL: What the “beep”?

GURU: Listen, lad, you keep your “BEEP” in your trousers, not in your mouth. Understood? Let jerkoffs and faggots talk dirty.

JOEL: …stinking fascist and rotten bastard…
GURU: Hey, you may not curse him till you have the signed agreement in your hands.

NERO: (DRINKING HIS GLASS IN ONE SWALLOW) Damn you all to hell, you “beep” stupid salesmen…

GURU: Signed and sealed.

JOEL: Didn’t you see, boss, what that bloody motherfucker did to me?

NERO: Aborted beggars.

GURU: And what did you expect, lad? See him begging you to accept a few million out of his pocket?

NERO: Stinking bores.

JOEL: He could have said something: that he wasn’t interested, he couldn’t… Something, anything, bloody terrorist…

GURU: That you won’t see. They’re all the same: the more they need you, the more they torture you.

NERO: (ECSTATICALLY DRAWING ON HIS CIGAR) Oh yeah!

JOEL: But this is inhuman.

GURU: And if they don’t need you, they simply enjoy torturing you.

JOEL: But why?

GURU: Because this is their way of justifying their incompetence.

JOEL: Yet they run empires…

GURU: Built through tyranny and cheating.

JOEL: They are influential people…

GURU: Who are now getting their revenge for their unhappy childhood.

JOEL: They are powerful people…

GURU: Who tremble at the thought that their ignorance might be discovered.

JOEL: Why don’t they simply turn down our offer, then? Why do they give us false hope?

GURU: ‘Cause they are chicken and hard-hearted.

ANNOUNCER: Will miss Laser withstand one more round?

GURU: And how do you think he made all those millions, lad? By being honest, sincere and open-minded?

JOEL: How else?

GURU: You have to be bloody-minded, a real dog, get it?

Joel gives the chair a kick and whines in pain.

GURU: That’s more like it. Let me see… You look great. This is still better than selling insurance policies, isn’t it?

JOEL nods his assent.  

GURU: Remember he’s off-guard after each blow. That’s when you use your left. Quick. And double. Tol-lol! Bang. But in the meantime you’ll still have to parry some of those rights.

JOEL: Did you see any pass my head?

GURU: None. They stopped right in it.

JOEL: Listen, boss, at least give me your phone so that he does not recognize my number!

GURU: Sure… and the hand of my daughter as a bonus? Be serious, think this is a fairy tale?

GONG!

ANNOUNCER: Will the small and innocent David manage to defeat the brave and mean Goliath?

Round III 

JOEL: (DIALLING THE NUMBER) Hello. I’m calling back.

ANNOUNCER: Joel lounges across the ring and delivers a heavy blow to Muffet.

NERO: What for?

ANNOUNCER: …but the shock makes him lose his balance for a moment.

JOEL: I am Joel Laser…
NERO: (OFF) Quite bold, this guy.

GURU: Work his body…

JOEL: …from…

NERO: I know who you are. What do you want from me?

JOEL: (STARTING HIS MASSAGE) You know… the offer I’ve talked to you about.

ANNOUNCER: …recollects himself and attacks desperately.

NERO: What offer, lad?

ANNOUNCER: Actually I’ve got the impression Joel is giving him something like a massage.

JOEL: About the listing in the catalogue…

NERO: What catalogue? Don’t you ever tire?

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is withdrawing.

GURU: Do him a plastic surgery.

ANNOUNCER: Pardon! Muffet counter-attacks.

JOEL: …of most important persons in business envelope industry.

GURU: Give him a good going-over.

NERO: (STARTING TO PAY ATTENTION) And how do you know about my envelopes, pray?

JOEL: I found you in Brown Pages.

ANNOUNCER: Now he’s giving him a gentle pinch.

NERO: Oh, those scoundrels. They listed me free, just to receive an envelope.

ANNOUNCER: He seems to be doing a Heimlich manoeuver.

Nero’s back is heard cracking and he moans in pleasure.

JOEL: I thought you were number one in the business.

GURU : That’s it, humiliate him.

ANNOUNCER: The champion is like putty in Joel’s hands.

NERO: That is correct.

ANNOUNCER: Joel bends his hand behind him.

JOEL: And prewashed envelopes.

ANNOUNCER: …and now a right which makes Muffet turn around.

NERO: Looks like you did your homework, didn’t you?

GURU: Reshape him.

JOEL: Plus real estate envelopes.

ANNOUNCER: And that’s a good left.

JOEL: (MASSAGING RIBS) And the anonymous ones.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet must have felt that.

NERO: Whow, whow! You’re tickling me.

GURU: Come on, the fatal blow.

JOEL: Correct me if I am wrong. You have a monopoly in cellulose industry, control stationery distribution and own two of the three papermaking factories..

ANNOUNCER: A real shower of well-aimed blows.

NERO: All right, that was enough, send me that offer…

ANNOUNCER: The two embrace, one worn-out by the blows taken, the other by those given.

JOEL: I could bring it personally.

NERO: …by fax…

JOEL: As you wish…

NERO: …next week. And we shall see (HANGS UP).

JOEL: Helloo? He hung up.

GONG!

Break 3

ANNOUNCER: What a comeback!

GURU: Finally!

JOEL: I did away with it! Boss, I was so scared…

GURU: Listen, lad, courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it!
JOEL: I managed to send the offer and got out in one piece.

GURU: (STUDIYNG HIM): Only a detached retina and a loose tooth. Not bad, really!

JOEL: Thanks to  Heaven, it’s over! I resisted all three rounds.

ANNOUNCER: Joel clearly has potential.

GURU: Right! Only nine more rounds left.

JOEL: Whaaaat?

GURU: Maybe less, if you concentrate.
JOEL: How’s that, boss?

GURU: If you knock him out.

JOEL: Not that, I thought it was over.

GURU: You’ve just got through the baptism. The real thing begins now!

JOEL: But boss, I’m totally clapped-out.

ANNOUNCER: Joel is full of energy.

GURU: Look here laddie, this was just the warm-up. Do you want to turn professional?

NERO: (ORDERS) Brandy…

GURU : Or would you rather stay a lousy amateur?

NERO : And a glass of soda.

JOEL: Pro, boss! But not from the very first…

GURU: Know what? I say you make up your mind!

NERO: (DRINKS AND COMES TO) Pshaw! Now I’ll teach him a lesson.

JOEL: But I’m scared, boss! That bloke will either beat my brains out or leave me whacky for good!

GURU: There’s no other way. Swallow it and shut up!

ANNOUNCER: Joel is determined to win…

JOEL: Can’t take it anymore!

GURU: Shut up and dig!

JOEL:  Please, boss, I’ve had enough…

NERO: (ORDERS) One more… with gin.

GURU: And what do you think, lad? That I want to wash dishes because of you?

JOEL: I thought…

GURU: You thought what? Do you think that is someone interested of what are you thinking? I don’t give a “beep” what you thought? There’s only one thing that matters: what you do, not what you think!

JOEL: He’ll hack my shins, can’t take it anymore. I’m worn-out.

GURU: No shit! And tomorrow, next month, what will you eat, lad? Frustration with a garnish of anguish, right?

ANNOUNCER: Guru can barely stop him from pouncing before the ring bell sounds.

JOEL: He’s already pulled out two of my teeth. I’m afraid that if I lost my teeth I won’t be able to eat at all.

GURU: Never fear, you’ll eat smashed potatoes. And spinach as well, to build up your strength. Needs no chewing, just swallowing.

ANNOUNCER: Anyway, he resisted two rounds more than we expected him to.

GURU: One more thing, laddie. Smille all the time.

JOEL: Even on the phone?

GURU: Especially on the phone. You’ll sound more convincing, trust me!

JOEL: Ok, I’ll do as you say. Hope it helps.

GURU: By the way, have you said your prayers? The real thing begins now.

JOEL: Oh God, give me the strength to call and get an appointment, to accept postponements and get over rejections, and the wisdom to discern these. Schmuck!

GONG !

GURU : Good luck!

Round IV

ANNOUNCER: The bout is relaunched.

JOEL: (SMILES DUMBLY) Hello, Mister Muffet.

NERO: (DRYLY) YES.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet’s right is his best asset.

JOEL: George Laser speaking.

ANNOUNCER: Let us hope we shall see a show.

NERO: (OFF) That calf again! Blow!

GURU: Be aware, stay tune.

JOEL: One minute, please.

NERO: (KICKS WHILE COUNTING) Be quick, my nerve hurts. Sixty, fif-nine…

ANNOUNCER: Rights follow one another.

GURU: Dodge the uppercut and keep away from him.

JOEL: I hope you received my offer.

NERO: No. Fif-one, fifty…

ANNOUNCER: Another good right from Muffet.

JOEL: I sent it by fax last week.

NERO: The fax was out of paper. Fort-five, fort-four…

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is crushing him.
GURU: Counter-attack!

ANNOUNCER: JOEL is just a chunk of meat.

JOEL: And by post…

NERO: Changed address. Thir-three, thir-two…

ANNOUNCER: Joel makes an attempt to kick, but fails.

GURU: Wanna see a counter.

JOEL: And on your e-mail address.

NERO: Which one? Tweny-five, tweny-four…

ANNOUNCER: He seems to be playing with Laser. This is the word.

GURU: Insist.

JOEL: Both.

ANNOUNCER: Joel counter-attacks.

NERO: Oh, it was from you! Ni-teen, ei-teen…

ANNOUNCER: Nero is a monster.

GURU: Don’t let him kick you.

JOEL: Have you got around to looking it over?

NERO: Not yet. Fo-teen, thi-teen…

ANNOUNCER: Muffet caught his head.

GURU: Hey, are you going to kick him or strangle him?

JOEL: (IN A CHOKED VOICE) Shall I send it again?

NERO: Needless.

ANNOUNCER: Nero lands a fine uppercut which makes Joel kneel.

JOEL: (COWERING) Then I shall call back next week.

ANNOUNCER: Joel’s getting it real bad. Ten, nine…

NERO: I’ll be off…

ANNOUNCER: Nero gives him a kick in the stomach. Guru is scandalized.

GURU: This is a downright massacre.

ANNOUNCER: A real mean kick. Six, five…

JOEL: (CHOKING) Next month, maybe?

NERO: You may try.

ANNOUNCER: Joel caught a kick right in the mouth. Guru leaps inside the ring.

GURU: No, this is intoler…

ANNOUNCER: Three, two…

GONG!

Break 4

ANNOUNCER: Muffet shall be penalized for the end of this round.

JOEL: (SUFFERING) Boss, one question…

GURU: Bark it out!

ANNOUNCER: Joel resists like a rock.

JOEL: Is this going to go on for long?

GURU: Again with that? When you have the agreement in your hands you’ll have done with it.

JOEL: What if I cannot convince him?

GURU: There’s no such thing as “I CANNOT”!

JOEL: No?

GURU: Impossible it’s not possible! Non e posibile! CAPISCI?

JOEL: What if I cannot sell?

GURU: Look here laddie: nobody wants anybody to sell him something. But they’re all crazed about buying. Stand up, we’re tired. Let me take a break.

GURU sits on the chair.

JOEL: How can I make him buy?

GURU: Give him what he wants, not what you wanna sell. Tell him what he has to gain, he’ll surely be interested. Let’s see, give me a massage.

JOEL: All right, but how do I go about it?

GURU: I see you are pretty good at it. It’s like magic. A bit to the left.

JOEL : (STARTS KNEADING HIM) I was talking about selling, boss. Please, do teach me!

GURU: AIDA, lad, haven’t you heard of it?

JOEL: Of course I have! Verdi’s opera. But I haven’t seen it ‘cause I had tonsillitis.

GURU: They did you the wrong surgery: they removed your brain. And stitched a hymen instead…

JOEL: On my word of honour, boss! And then I caught scarlet fever.

GURU: Ecce homo! How have I wronged you, God? (STANDING) If I knew you were a virgin in sales… I’ve had enough! I’ll “beep” you (GIVES HIM A KICK UP THE BACKSIDE) till the brain in your pants is aroused.

JOEL: Ouch, my ass! What have I said, boss?

GURU: Shut up, you cesspool innocence! Hear me out: Aida, yes?

JOEL: Yeees…

GURU: Well, nothing?

JOEL: (INNOCENTLY) What?

GURU: AIDA, lad: A-Attraction, I-Interest, D-Desire and A…

JOEL: Aaa…

GURU: (ORDERING) Absinthe…

JOEL: Ahaaa…

GURU: (DRINKING) You blockhead! Aaa…ction. These are the steps you have to follow: attract him, (SIMULATING) show your silken breasts and rosy nipples. Then, to arouse his interest, lift your skirt and show him the paradise. Swiftly and subtly, as being chance. Make him want you: moisten your fingers till you have him on his knees (JOEL KNEELS DOWN) begging, completely aroused and turned on, and give it to him.

JOEL: (OFF, AROUSED) Cool, think I’ll ejaculate…

GURU: This is the hardest moment: don’t give in. Make him understand that his entire being shall be orgasmic if he surrenders. Open your legs slowly and at the same time stick the agreement under his nose; with his hand with desire he’ll sign automaticly.  He’ll come without even touching you…

JOEL: (OFF SATISFIED) Mee tooo…

GURU: And then he’ll be yours: he’ll surely be a good payer if you “beep” him as I taught you.

ANNOUNCER: Joel is changing his gloves with long lady ones.

JOEL: (PUTS ON LONG LADY GLOVES) I cure him of prostate, too.

GURU: He may be stupid, but he got from his father the company and all that money. He was quite thick-headed, but he had the hell of a luck…

JOEL: My father died in Labour…

GURU: (OFF) He’s wracked, poor fellow.

JOEL: …on Christmas day.

GURU: Forget that. Not only he’ll not know what he paid for, but he’ll be sure to have bought nothing but sheer pleasure. And that because he liked how you relieved him from pressure and cured him of impotence.

JOEL: Cool!

GURU: And in his head confounded with satisfaction he will dream how he soaked you and splashed you right between your ears. And when he wakes up, he’ll tell everybody how he deflowered and polluted you, having no idea that he’s doing you a good: all the other impotents shall flock to seduce and have you.

GONG!

JOEL: (SPRINGING TO HIS FEET) The gong, boss! Have to go.

GURU: (LOST) Go, but be aware: a smart is not a tart, even both rhyme with fart!

Round V

NERO is fawning, JOEL playing the tough.

JOEL: (PHONE RINGING) Hello?

GURU: That’s it, be tough!

ANNOUNCER: Joel has taken fresh heart.

NERO: (CALLING SOMEBODY) Hello! John Muffet speaking.

JOEL: One spare moment?

GURU: Good job, lad.

JOEL: (KICKING, NERO, ALLEGEDLY CATCHING IT) All right, but make it short.

GURU: No mercy.

ANNOUNCER: Joel is unleashed.

NERO: About the two completed residential complexes.

JOEL: Financial solutions with accumulation of capital?

NERO: We are willing to let you have one for a twenty per cent commission.

JOEL: Unit-linked? You mean insurance, right?

Action – reaction, conversely: effect-cause.

NERO: (TAKING IT) That’s out of question, less than sixteen per cent won’t do.

JOEL: (STRIKING THE AIR) Insure what?

ANNOUNCER: Chaos reigns in the ring.

NERO: (TAKING IT) That is totally untrue, nothing but quality materials have been used. Long durability.

JOEL: (KICKING) Death or disability?

GURU: What’s wrong with you, lad, are you sick?

ANNOUNCER: The audience is annoyed.

NERO: (TAKING IT) We undertake to remedy any and all faults within two months.

JOEL: (KICKING) Yeah, right! If I die I get one hundred thousand pounds?

GURU: Not bad. Finish him off!

NERO: (TAKING IT) No way, Jose! Eight per cent would mean trading at a loss.

JOEL: (KICKING) Come again? …and I’m supposed to pay for twenty years?

NERO: All right, fifteen per cent, but we keep the car park.

JOEL: And if I sign today I get a bonus?

GURU: That’s it, give him one free for me. In his guts!

NERO: Okay, thirteen per cent. Without utilities though.

ANNOUNCER: They shall be penalized for non-combat.

GURU: Cure him of cirrhosis!

JOEL: Enough with that. I’m not interested.

NERO: (TAKING IT) It’s impossible, why don’t you believe me?

JOEL: (KICKING) Just because!

NERO: (TAKING IT) I swear on my honour.

JOEL: (KICKING) Just drop it, will you!

GURU: What are you doing, lad?

ANNOUNCER: The audience wants to see blood.

NERO: (TAKING IT) Fine, eleven per cent if we sign tomorrow.

JOEL: (KICKING) Why don’t you call back in three years or so? (HANGS UP)

GURU: Are you kidding me?

NERO: All right, nine per cent, I’ll say goodbye. (HANGS UP)

JOEL: Dev’lish insistent fellow. I might consider training him.

GURU: He disgraced me.

NERO: Poor fool! I would have let it go even for five per cent, only to get rid of it.

Audience: BOOO, BOOO!

GONG!

Break 5

GURU: That’s how you think things are done?

JOEL: I wanted to give him time to consider the offer.

GURU: Until his interest cools down.

JOEL: I’m back in shape again…

GURU: (OFF) By the look of things, it’s goodbye to luxury carriage… Maybe a jalopy Mercedes.

JOEL: I was on the point of fainting a round earlier.

GURU: (OFF) My wife’s gonna kill me. How am I going to tell her we have to give up the cruise in Hawaii and make it down to Tunis this year…

JOEL: I’m at a loss as to what to do to him.

GURU: Look here, lad, keep your ears open. I won’t show you again.

JOEL: I’m all ears!

GURU:(DIALLING) Hello, general!

JOEL: Holy cow, the gen’ral!

GURU: Yeah, it’s me. Heard you wanted to get rid of the extraction division.

JOEL: Wow, a few good million.

GURU: Be serious! Three per cent won’t do.

JOEL: Whaaat?

GURU: All rightie, that’s a deal. Five per cent and you are rid of it. (HANGS UP)

JOEL: You’re in a fine form, boss.

GURU: Wait, I’m not finished (OFF, RUBBING HIS HANDS WITH GLEE) Four per cent the committee fee and the rest quite enough for a Lexus. That’s more like it.

JOEL: (SEEING HIM DIALLING ANOTHER NUMBER) One more, boss?

GURU: Shut up and take notes. Hello, professor!

JOEL: (SURPRISED) The professor?

GURU: I found you a buyer for the airline.

JOEL: At least ten million.

GURU: My share? A trifle, just four per cent.

JOEL: Piece of cake, I’m starting to get the taste of it.

GURU: Deal. I’ll handle the deeds for an additional one per cent. (HANGS UP)

JOEL: I queue up, boss, if I have to.

GURU: What queue, lad? This is about steaming ahead. We give half per cent to the right person and it’s done.

JOEL: (SEEING HIM DIALING AGAIN) Another?

GURU: (TO JOEL, SHUSHING HIM) Shut your mouth! (ON THE PHONE) Aaron, listen here. I have this scheme… a real early fruit.

JOEL: (EMPTYING HIS POCKETS) I’m starving!

GURU: I managed to wangle those pleasure planes for you. Kerosene and all.

JOEL: Sheer art.

GURU: Tomorrow we shake hands over the bargain! Okey-doke, at ten. (HANGS UP, THEN TO JOEL) Who’s playing?

JOEL: (GIVES A SALUTE AND SINGS) The military band was playing…

GURU: (OFF) I can see a yacht coming after all. Maisie will have her cruise.

JOEL: I take my hat off to you!

GURU: (TO JOEL) Well, is it clear now?

JOEL: Crystal.

GURU: Be on your toes, then! (OFF) Let’s see if you can bring in at least a convertible one.

GONG!

Round VI

JOEL: (KICKING) Hello, Mister Muffet.

NERO: (RIPOSTING) What, you again?

ANNOUNCER: Muffet puts him against the ropes.

JOEL: (KEEPS KICKING) I am calling because I am most convinced that my offer meets-your-needs…

GURU: Joel does not relent and kicks him a few times in a row…

NERO: (DEFENDING) Who are you, the Good Samaritan?

JOEL: (KICKING) And will help you tremendously in increasing the liquidity required for new acquisitions.

ANNOUNCER: …and gives him a good left, putting him again against the ropes, from where he rebounds directly into Joel …

NERO: I already have million-worth business.

ANNOUNCER: I pity Joel.

JOEL: (WITH A SERIES OF THREE KICKS) No offence: turnover is vanity, profit is sanity, but cash is reality.

GURU: (YELLING) Good job, lad!

ANNOUNCER: A series of kicks which confound the champion.

NERO: (STUNNED) I see you haven’t wasted your time.

JOEL: (KICKS) I haven’t indeed. Your competition likewise.

ANNOUNCER: Amazing. Patrac is in the open.

NERO: All right, what do you suggest?

GURU: Don’t let him get at you.

JOEL: Based on a SWOT analysis we may say…

NERO: What are you doing! Threatening me with the special troops?

JOEL: (A RIGHT AND A LEFT, DOUBLED) No, not SWAT, but SWOT: it’s a marketing trick. I was just suggesting we reduce your weaknesses and increase your strengths by means of a well planned and directed image campaign.

NERO: (BEWITCHED) And how is that?

ANNOUNCER: He is pretty well-oiled.

JOEL: (KICKING CHAOTICALLY) According with the feedback and feedback and with a continuous and prosperous development of your activity.

GURU: Keep at it!

NERO: Now you’re coming up with Japanese crap! Tamagochee and kaiser.

JOEL: Kaizen. Market research indicates that there is only one way to achieve sound growth, namely customer’s satisfaction.

GURU: Be careful, take cover! Don’t stay out in the open.

NERO: (SARCASTICALLY, KICKING) Everybody needs envelopes.

JOEL: (RETORTS) Of course they do, but now reusable envelopes are in demand…

ANNOUNCER: A well-placed reply.

GURU: Don’t stop. This is your chance.

JOEL: (KICKS) …and odourless envelopes.

GURU: Attack him till he stops breathing.

ANNOUNCER: He is incredible. Where does he get those lines from?

NERO: (DROPPING HIS GUARD) Not a bad idea.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is bewitched. Joel goes up to him.

JOEL: (KICKS) We move into the days of discrete envelopes. The times of smash hits are bygone.

ANNOUNCER: Another hook in the jaw.

NERO: (LEANING ON JOEL) Indeed! What a pity!

ANNOUNCER: He is twisting him around his little finger.

JOEL: And the market of electronic envelopes is virgin. And it doesn’t leave traces for that, does it?

GURU: That’s it, a fine blow.

ANNOUNCER: Right in the stomach.

NERO: You’re good, man! I kind of like you.

GURU: Deal him the death blow.

JOEL: Am I to understand we can meet to provide you with further detail?

ANNOUNCER: Muffet was knocked senseless.

NERO: Very well then. We should talk.

GONG!

Break 6

ANNOUNCER: For the first time, the champ has been kneeled.

GURU: Well done, Your Excellency! You deserve a prize. Have a Tic Tac!

JOEL: Why, does my mouth stink?

GURU: Nay, lad, but you cannot stick it up your ass.

ANNOUNCER: Joel has a swollen face and a broken arch.

JOEL: (LAUGHING) I’m happy, boss! We’ll finally meet.

GURU: Congratulations! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

JOEL: (EXCITEDLY) Let you down, boss? He’ll be down, I promise you!

GURU: Not bad, really.

JOEL: He was whining like a baby. He very nearly begged for mercy.

GURU: Take it easy, boy. This was just the second stage out of five.

JOEL: What do you mean?

GURU: Well, the first achievement was having him answer the phone, the second making him agree to meet…

JOEL: That was a hard job.

GURU: … the third satisfaction is having him sign the agreement…

JOEL: (IMPATIENTLY) Will this break go on for long?

GURU: … than having him pay.

JOEL: Within seven days.

GURU: IF he pays at all!

JOEL: What? An agreement is an agreement.

GURU: Wrong! It’s nothing but a piece of paper just good for origami until the money is paid into the account.

JOEL: (SPRINGING TO HIS FEET) I’ll smash his face…

GURU: Chill down! There’ll be time enough for that.

JOEL: What about the fifth? If he paid, it’s GOODBYE. Finish, the end. Full stop.

GURU: The last one is the most enjoyable: sheer delight, joy, pleasure…

JOEL: Oh yes?

GURU: Think about it. What’s missing?

JOEL: Don’t know.

GURU: When you get your commission, laddie!

JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

GURU: Wait.

JOEL: (SPRAWLING) Doesn’t sound bad.

GURU: And keep fighting.

JOEL: What?

GURU: You thought that was all? There are a lot of clients dying for you to contact them.

JOEL: On an empty stomach, boss?

GURU: You earn your basic salary, you have to handle with it.

JOEL: One hundred pounds, boss?

GURU: As the American saying goes: “Live for nothing, die for something”. You have to say thank you!

JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) Thunk you.

GURU: For nothing.

JOEL: Really, boss. I don’t see why our company still needs salesmen… since it is the best-known on the market.

GURU: To be sure. It’s the brand that counts, laddie.

JOEL: But we sell, boss. The brand isn’t selling itself.

GURU: Indeed, but it gives you something to sell! Remember our slogan?

JOEL: Yes, we are the only ones to offer cheap, quick and good services.

GURU: That’s right, but only in twos. What’s cheap and quick? Chinese tennis shoes, right? What’s quick and good? The Swiss chronometer made of Belgian chocolate. Did you get my point ? Do you get it ? And cheap and good…

JOEL: I’m confused.

GURU: (GIVING HIM SMELLING SALTS TO SNIFF) For too much idling. Lack of action is not good to you.

JOEL throws up in the bucket.

JOEL: (OFF) Cheap and good. And hot.

GONG!

GURU: Come on, get moving and you’ll be back in shape. Be on your toes!

Round VII

JOEL circles the ring.
ANNOUNCER: We are at the height of the bout.

JOEL: He’s finished. I’ll wipe him out.

ANNOUNCER: Will Joel manage the impossible?

GURU: Come on, you can do it.

JOEL: Hello, I’m George…

ANNOUNCER: This is the moment of truth.

NERO: (WHISPERING) I’m not here.

JOEL: Hasn’t he arrived yet?

GURU: Keep at it!

JOEL: Very well then, I will call back in one hour.

GURU: Insist!

ANNOUNCER: Joel corners him.

JOEL: Is he out for lunch?

GURU: Don’t give up… you’re on the right track!

JOEL: Could you please tell him that I have called?

GURU: You cannot fail as long as you don’t give up.

JOEL: Shall I leave you my phone number?

ANNOUNCER: Joel is confused.

JOEL: No need, I see.

There is a door slam.

GURU: Now you get in through the window.

JOEL: He is back? Perfect.

NERO: (WHISPERING) I’m busy.

ANNOUNCER: We are witnessing an absurd show.

JOEL: Speaking on the other phone?

GURU: Do whatever you have to…

JOEL: No problem, I’ll wait.

GURU: …secure victory.

JOEL: He will be long? He will call me back. Very well then!

ANNOUNCER: I do not understand what is going on.

GURU: Keep pressing!

JOEL: It’s me again.

GURU: You’ve got him.

ANNOUNCER: Nerves are on the edge.

NERO: (WHISPERING) Get rid of him!

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is shying away.

JOEL: He is in a meeting?

GURU: Remember: success means striking for the hundredth time…

JOEL: Very well, I will call back at three o’clock.

GURU: …after ninety-nine setbacks.

ANNOUNCER: Joel can barely keep his guard up.

JOEL: Hello, I am calling back…

ANNOUNCER: … moving his legs with difficulty.

JOEL: What?

ANNOUNCER: Tension can be felt among the audience.

GURU: Now what?

JOEL:  He has left?

GONG!

Break 7

GURU: Never mind, we’ll keep trying.

JOEL: What’s the point?

GURU: Be smart, lad.

JOEL: Wait, I got it! Can’t catch me with this one! SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.

GURU: No, you goof, those are for parrots: little s – stupid, little m- mediocre, little a – amateur, little r – rag and little t – tenderfoot.

JOEL: …

GURU: SMART, lad! I mean be clever: big S – Soulless, big M – Mean, big A – Aggressive, big R – Rascal and big T – Tricky.

JOEL: Do you think that’ll do the trick? What if he kicks me out?

GURU: Well, he may be a bastard, but he ain’t no fool. He’s a man of action.

JOEL: I’ve had a taste of that…

GURU: Which means that in everything he does, he is being equally led by the desire to win and the fear to lose.

JOEL: I chop him, I make mincemeat of him!

GURU: Are you a butcher, or what? At this level, only a surgeon can make it.

JOEL: Well, ain’t it the same shit?

GURU: It all depends on what you’re after: a chunk of meat or a successful surgery?

JOEL: I feel so ravenous…

GURU: A novice hacks, while an expert segments. Now, put on your medical gloves on.

JOEL: That’s easy, boss. We took an exam on that.

GURU: Really? Let’s see then how good you are! You’re working towards your master, aren’t you? Take for example your group.

JOEL: Well, firstly, let’s say male and female students.

GURU: Right, then what?

JOEL: Umm…, we count ‘em up and calculate the percentage.

GURU: Forget that. Let’s focus on female students. Segment them.

JOEL: Umm, blondes and brunettes.

GURU: Who cares about that, lad? They’re just as bright.

JOEL: Err…, tall and short.

GURU: (IRONICALLY) Fat and skinny. Give me a break, will you? Concentrate, man!

JOEL: Beautiful and ugly?

GURU: You’re getting close.

JOEL: Smart and stupid?

GURU: Warm. Let me help you: married or single.

JOEL: Oh, right.
GURU: Let’s dwell on the married ones.

JOEL: (CONFIDENTLY) With and without children.

GURU: Nay! I’d go for housewives and careerists.

JOEL: OK, I see your point now! Let’s take careerists.

GURU: You take them, they’ll get you nowhere… unless you are their boss. And unless you have a boss, in which case you will most certainly switch places soon and the careerist is sure to ‘beep” you no matter how well you’ve been treating her.

JOEL: Why is that?

GURU: Simply because a careerist has no mercy or scruples.

JOEL: Let’s take housewives, then.

GURU: Well done, lad. Smart guess! Let’s move on…

JOEL: Umm…, housewives…

GURU: Come on, it’s easy: family lovers or loose women.

JOEL: Loose?

GURU: Aye, lad. Follow my meaning, the break will soon end. Loose: they hook or get hooked.

JOEL: Ah, well!

GURU: Those who get hooked: in the street or in shops.

JOEL: Cool, boss!

GURU: In shops: specialized or supermarket.

JOEL: Awesome!

GURU: Got the idea?

JOEL: Got it, boss! Supermarket: food or non-food.

GURU: Not bad!

JOEL: Food: fresh or frozen.

GURU: I see you grasped the idea.

GONG!

Round VIII

Joel is moving forward in the ring, head bowed, looking thoughtful.

JOEL: Fresh: indigenous or imported.

NERO: (SPEAKING ON THE PHONE) Imported, indigenous ones are more expensive. What if they are poor? We’re rid of them before twits cotton on.

JOEL: (CATCHING SIGHT OF NERO) My respects!

NERO: Oh, it was you? You’re pretty late, aren’t you?

JOEL: I have been waiting for you all day.

ANNOUNCER: An amicable exchange of slaps.

NERO: (KICKS) Oh, I’ve been so busy.

JOEL: (DEFENDS) That’s all right.

ANNOUNCER: Joel changes tactics.

NERO: (KICKS: LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT) I’m up to my neck in work. Imports, exports, taxes, commissions…

JOEL: I see.
ANNOUNCER: I think he wants to wear him out.

NERO: I do hope you are not annoyed.

ANNOUNCER: A fine uppercut.

JOEL: Not at all. Why should I be?

GURU: You’ve clapped him on the back enough. Counter-attack!

NERO: Very well then, because I would like to invest about two ministers in my image.

JOEL: I beg your pardon, did you say ministers?

NERO: To be sure, that’s about it.

JOEL: I don’t get your point.

NERO: I forgot you’re fresh in the field. A parliamentarian is worth ten thousands, while a minister one hundred…

GURU: Put your whole body into it!

JOEL: (KICKS) What about prime-mi…

NERO: Whoa, you’ll ruin me!

ANNOUNCER: They are both tired.

JOEL: Okay.

NERO:  Let’s talk about the image campaign then.

JOEL: (DECIDED) Let’s talk.

NERO: (KICKING UNMERCIFULLY) I shall expect you by the end of the month.

JOEL: When?

NERO: (ANOTHER HEAVY BLOW) Tomorrow I’ll go skiing for a week…

ANNOUNCER: That was an ugly blow.

JOEL: (RESPONDS WEAKLY) Then in the afternoon…

NERO: (LANDING A POWERFUL BLOW) Then ten days’ surfing to be back in shape.

ANNOUNCER: What a shovel.

GURU: Hang on!

NERO: So, see you on the thirtieth?

JOEL: (OVERWHELMED) You will not be sorry, I guarantee you.

NERO: (MOCKINGLY) With what, your pay?

JOEL: On my honour…

NERO: (IRONICAL) Well, that’s more like it. Now I may rest assured.

JOEL: I will come at eight.

NERO: Very well, better later in the day so that nobody bothers us.

JOEL: (DISAPPOINTED) As you wish, eight in the evening.

NERO: Don’t forget to call me half an hour earlier, though.

JOEL: I’ll do that.

NERO: Good day!

GONG!

Break 8

JOEL: Boss, what’s the commission for a two hundred thousand pounds agreement?

GURU: What’s the hurry?

JOEL: I need money like the air I breathe.

GURU fans his face.

GURU: Breathe in!

JOEL: A rough estimate…

GURU: Breathe out!

JOEL breathes out until he flushes and starts coughing.

GURU: See? It’s the same with money: when you don’t have it you need it, when you have it you spend it until you feel sick.

JOEL: Just to have an idea.

GURU: All right, all right! Listen. First we deduct VAT, say twenty per cent, to make it round, which is about forty thousand… we’ve got one hundred and sixty left.

JOEL: But boss, isn’t VAT calculated inversely: against the base, not at the end?

GURU: That’s inessential. We then deduct company profit, about tweny thousand…

JOEL: That much?

GURU: …and the corporate tax, another tweny thousand.

JOEL: (STUNNED) Are you sure?

GURU: Certo! Another twenty thousand for dividends…

JOEL: Whaaat?

GURU: We’ve got one hundred thousand left, minus the tax on dividends and income tax… Are you with me?

JOEL: Yea…

GURU: These two amount to more or less thirty thousand. Seventy left, right?

JOEL: One hundred minus thirty… Slow down a bit, boss!

GURU: Hey, now listen carefully. You are entitled to a ten per cent commission…

JOEL: I’m all confused…

GURU: …after the first six months, five per cent until then.

JOEL: Five per cent of what?

GURU: Sixty, have you forgotten? And that is…

JOEL: Three thousand.

GURU: Corrrrect! Now deduct contributions: social insurance, pension, health, unemployment, about sixty per cent…

JOEL: BEEEP…

GURU: Bear with me! So, sixty per cent of three thousand…

JOEL: One thousand and eight hundred.

GURU: Say two thousand, it’s easier to calculate. Write this down: three thousand minus two thousand is…

JOEL: (DESPERATELY) One thousand.

GURU: Very well, let’s say one thousand. Without phone, internet, petrol, about two hundred pounds…

JOEL: Eight hundred. Not bad, after all.

GURU: Then there is water, gas, light, garbage, rent, say about three hundred in all. We are left with…

JOEL: Five hundred.

GURU: Exactly.

JOEL: Anything else, ‘cause I have to take money out of my pocket!?

GURU: No, half a thousand cash in hand. What do you say?

JOEL: Not bad, but…

GURU: Spare me your comments and think this way: if you secure ten such agreements per month, you’ll be pretty well-off.

JOEL: Now you’re talking!

GURU: Piece of cake. Finish him off!

GONG!

Round IX

ANNOUNCER: The decisive round is about to begin.

JOEL: Here I am!

NERO: (TO JOEL) One moment. (ON THE PHONE) What do you mean it expires tomorrow, on the first?

JOEL: Am I bothering?

NERO: Come on in!

ANNOUNCER: Joel charges at high speed.

GURU: This lad’s killing me.

NERO: You put a two in front of one and they are good for consumption for another three weeks. Simple, isn’t it? And if in the meantime you cannot get rid of it all, you have them relabelled, what the hell.

JOEL: Brilliant.

NERO: Imbeciles. What do you say, kiddo, don’t you wanna work for me?

JOEL: I cannot do such a thing to Uncle Kerim.

NERO: Pay peanuts and you get monkeys.

GURU: (OFF) He either closes the deal and I pack him off…

JOEL: I beg your pardon?

NERO: Forget it, I’ll deal with him.

JOEL: I don’t quite know what to say…?

GURU: (OFF) …or he doesn’t and he leaves by himself.

NERO: Ok, take your time. Now tell me to what do I owe the honour of your visit?

JOEL: Well, we’ve talked about, you know…, two ministers…

NERO: The Finance minister is solved.

JOEL: No. The campaign…, image campaign…

ANNOUNCER: Joel does not relent. A frontal and lateral attack.

GURU: (OFF) In the first case I am left with the commission…

NERO (SLAPPIN HIM ON THE FOREHEAD) Oh, yes!

JOEL: Ouch!

NERO: I had forgotten. You were talking about those important persons…

GURU: (OFF) …and in the second I’ll withhold his guarantee.

JOEL: I was thinking about us making it straight for Top 500.

ANNOUNCER: A well-aimed right.

NERO: Pretty crowded in there.

GURU: (OFF) There are plenty of fools standing in a queue to get a job.

JOEL: (SLAPPING HIM ON HIS EARS) Combined with Top 50 on the radio.

ANNOUNCER: Two rights aimed right between the ears.

NERO: And where’s the image?

JOEL: (STICKING HIS FINGERS IN HIS EYES) Plus Top 5 on TV.

ANNOUNCER: Joel lands him a colossal blow. Nero is blinded.

GURU: (OFF) He should thank me I taught him how to take it and get over setbacks.

NERO: (GROPING) Now you’re talking! Make me an offer and come by to talk it over.

JOEL: Here it is. Just as you said: two hundred thousand pounds.

GURU: (OFF) It takes years for others to understand and dozens of years to get used to it.

NERO: (EXAMINING THE PAPERS) All right. Formats and airtime are fine. Just divide the amount in two and we strike the deal.

GURU: (OFF) Life ain’t easy.

JOEL: You mean payment in two instalments, right?

NERO: Not bad. You’re quick to catch on.

JOEL: Yeah, like curd.

NERO: I like you. Let’s see if we understand each other: I get to all three tops in exchange for one hundred thousand…

JOEL: (OFF) It’s a good thing he didn’t say fifty.

NERO: …to be paid in two instalments: half after and half later.

JOEL: It’s impossible.

GURU: (OFF) If he resists, he’ll take my place one day.

NERO: Think about it. When you are ready, we strike the deal.

GURU: (OFF) If he doesn’t, at least he’ll be happy.

GONG!

Break 9

GURU: If you don’t move better this will be your last bout. This job isn’t for bit players. You either win the Oscar, or leave us.

JOEL: It sounded better at first…

GURU: It’s the same everywhere.

JOEL: You said the market was on the uptrend, that I’d make money and be quickly promoted.

GURU: How was I supposed to tell you that the market is overflowed, the stress is higher than the twenty-seventh floor from the building of our company, the commissions are going to be paid after three months…

JOEL: Whaaat?

GURU: …and promotion chances are almost nil considering that the average age of the staff is thirty and nobody is likely to kick the bucket too soon… to say nothing about their brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts, godchildren, godparents, in-laws or friends …

JOEL: It’s clear, I’m an orphan.

GURU: …towards which they have a moral and social obligation as soon as they get their Master’s degree after having completed some intensive fiftin-minute courses on the Internet.

JOEL: Is this possible?

GURU: To be sure, lad! Haven’t you heard of Peter’s principle? In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his maximum level of incompetence.

JOEL: Sounds like one of Murphy’s laws.

GURU: No, my dear fellow, this is a scientifically and statistically proven fact. The higher one gets and the longer he stays there, the more idiot he becomes.

JOEL: You’ve lied to me!

GURU: You’re wrong, lad, I haven’t lied to you! I’ve only sold you what you wanted to buy. I’ve given you a chance. To change things. To belie reality. Isn’t that what you, young people, are after? Revolutionize the world! Prove your strength. Be my guest!

JOEL: The world is a filthy place. Power is nothing but an illusion.

GURU: You’ve already made good progress. Congratulations! You’ve started to find answers at the early age of tweny-five.

JOEL: I already feel fifty.

GURU: Others retire and still don’t get it. And on Judgment Day they still have the illusion of a new opportunity. You’re truly blessed! You’ve jumped a few steps up the evolution ladder.

JOEL: Yes, now I am at the third level of the trophic chain.

GURU: Maslow, my boy. You’re climbing the needs pyramid. And, you know, the tendency is to flatten the hierarchy. Globalization, my boy.

JOEL: And where’s the joy?

GURU: Don’t see? The ultimate innovation is to overturn the pyramid, the bottom up and the peak down. You’re on top now, don’t you? What is more vital than breathe, eat, sleep, sex…?

JOEL: To be accomplished!

GURU: Shit! Do your needs, lad. The rest is vanity.

JOEL: This is no life. There’s nothing in it for me.

GURU: Come on, don’t be costive. Take a glass of milk and you’ll be okay.

JOEL: (DRINKING THE MILK) I only wanted a piece of happiness. I didn’t want to change the world, but only to know it, enjoy it and give it my strength.

GURU: And you thought you could do that without paying. You thought it was free of charge, didn’t you?

JOEL: No, but I didn’t think my life would be second-hand either.

GURU: When your mum was breast-feeding you did she expect you not to wet your nappy or not to snivel…

JOEL: Yet she used to cuddle me…

GURU: When your father bought you your first wristwatch, he did it just to make you waste no more your time with street urchins…

JOEL: Yet I had friends…

GURU: When the first girl let you kiss her it was because she didn’t want to share you with somebody else…

JOEL: But we loved each other…

GURU: You’ve got a High School Diploma because the state was tired to pay for your education…

JOEL: Yet I had everything I wanted…

GURU: They were all manipulating you, can’t you see?

JOEL: Yet I was happy…

GURU: Once you were hired, they did the calculations regarding the profit you can make. Additional and much more that you are going to be paid. Do you understand?

JOEL: I don’t think I can go on with this fight. I can see no point.

GURU: Nay, lad! You’ll go there and finish him off. And you’ll do it because if you don’t, I guarantee you it will be worse and you may lose everything you managed to obtain so far.

JOEL: There’s nothing, anyway…

GURU: They might all turn away from you.

JOEL: They avoid me anyway just because I am a salesman and I might try to sell them something.

GURU: You might sink into despair.

JOEL: What can that be worse than being loath of doing a job that doesn’t fit you?

GURU: Look here laddie, it’s a pretty tough job becoming a champion, whereas becoming a loser is piece of cake.

JOEL: Life is an ad break!

GONG!

GURU: Be awake! (HUSTLING HIM INTO THE RING) Now beat it!

Round X

JOEL: (CRESTFALLEN, HOLDS THE AGREEMENT OUT TO NERO) I brought the agreement.

NERO: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, what an honour, Your Excellency!

NERO EXAMINES THE AGREEMENT.

GURU: Give him a kiss!

JOEL: (WHISPERING) Kiss him?

GURU: Cabbage head… KISS: Keep It Short and Simple. Short and well-aimed blows.

JOEL: Ah…, the long kiss goodnight.

NERO: (ASIDE, LEAFING THROUGH THE AGREEMENT) Oh yeah, there’s a long night ahead of you.

GURU: Like a laser, Laser boy! Livelier.

JOEL: (KICKS) As we have discussed: value, payment due date…

ANNOUNCER: Risen from his ashes.

GURU: That’s it, cremate him!

NERO: (RETORTS) What’s your hurry?

JOEL: (KICKS) Deadline’s drawing near.

ANNOUNCER: He is unrecognizable.

GURU: Light him a candle!

NERO: (KICKS) Know what, I think it wasn’t such a good idea after all.

JOEL: Come again?

NERO: (KICKS) This seems like an unnecessary expense.

ANNOUNCER: The champion has not spoken his final word.

JOEL: (KICKS) We might consider it to be an investment, not expenses.

GURU: Make his will.

NERO: And who is going to pay?

JOEL: (KICKS) Business will keep growing.

ANNOUNCER: The audience is standing.

NERO: You miss my point.

JOEL: (KICKS) Not really. I mean yes. But benefits will be higher.

GURU: Burry him.

ANNOUNCER: The audience is delighted.

NERO: I must cut expenses.

JOEL: (KICKS) This is a dangerous way of doing it.

NERO: Oh, ya?!

ANNOUNCER: A first-class bout.

JOEL: (KICKS) I, for one, always think about increasing my income, not cutting my consumption.

NERO: (RETORTS SARCASTICALLY) Then how come you don’t manage to?

ANNOUNCER: He has shattered his brains.

JOEL: I think first, then act.

NERO: I leave you if you’re busy.

GURU: Wanna see more enthusiasm! You’re not giving alms, are you?

ANNOUNCER: A true waste of effort.

JOEL: When one is utterly convinced of his success, it won’t be long before luck smiles at him.

NERO: (LANDING A PUNCH ON HIS HEAD) That’s all you’re left with when there’s nothing to flush away: positive thinking.

ANNOUNCER: Amazingly, he is still standing.

JOEL: (KICKS) I’d rather be optimistic than thrifty.

ANNOUNCER: That was a good one.

GURU: That’s it, give him anal sex.

NERO: (STAGGERING) Come again?

GURU: And a quick oral.

ANNOUNCER: The audience is repelled. The champion is losing ground.

JOEL: (CARESSING) I was saying that acting while still on the top is preferable rather than waiting and facing unpredictable market reactions.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet is reeling.

GURU: Stop rubbing it, it’s not Aladdin’s lamp, for God’s sake.

NERO: (KICKS) Ah, well! Leave the agreement, I want to go over it quietly. See you after Easter.

ANNOUNCER: Muffet parries wildly with one last effort.

GONG!

JOEL: (COLLAPSES ONTO THE FLOOR) Wheeen?

Break 10

GURU: I’m sick of it! I’ m working like a porter and you are resting …

JOEL: (OFF) In piece, indeed.

GURU: Can you do anything right?

JOEL: What did I do wrong, boss?

GURU: ABC, lad! Ever heard of it?

JOEL: Something like “Ana Banana Cabana”?

GURU: Well done, whippersnapper! Aren’t you clever? Nay, laddie, that comes later, in the first form! The ABC I’m talking about is taught in the crèche! Well?

JOEL: I’ve no idea, uncle Kerim!

GURU: How the hell have you managed to graduate from faculty without having graduated from kindergarten? Everything’s fallin’ apart! They make you graduates by the batch! But why the hell am I surprised when I see pimply-faced MBA graduates!

JOEL: I got rid of them. He squeezed them all.

GURU: …or PhD holder before having the first period!

JOEL: But, uncle Kerim…

GURU: What, aren’t  you of the same opinion? Don’t you see, lad, that they’re teaching you nothing but aberrations. They feed you up with analytical thinking and strategic decision-making! BULLSHIT! Sorry, that’s too much! DIARRHOEA, lad! That’s what they’re stuffing your head with! And who, may I ask? Who’s making you so illiterate? Some uptight guys who in their entire life have signed no other check than their payslip!

JOEL: But, university professor doctor Photler or Mrs. Pinkspan…

GURU: Spare me your scientific capitalism and multilateral management! Crap like that makes me sick! Can a monkey teach you the theory of evolution? Or the Pope of Rome! Let’s be serious!

JOEL: But we have learned how to find inferences in a holistic environment…

GURU: Are you swearing me, lad? Watch your mouth or else I get assertive and tell you to go on your mother’s oyster! Pay attention, before the gong strikes! ABC: Always Be Closing! In other words, always close the sale! Got it?

JOEL: Yeah, boss!

GURU: Then stop rubbing it or I’ll catch fire.

JOEL: But didn’t you see, boss, what he did to me?

GURU: You became tempered!

JOEL: I’ll lynch him.

GURU: Lynching is a team job, lad. But, if you want, I’ll lend you a hand…

JOEL: I’ll make him hara-kiri.

GURU: Why don’t you suicide him?

JOEL: Genocide is written on my fist.

GURU: Whatever! First the agreement.

JOEL’s phone is ringing.

GURU: See, clients have already started to look for you.

JOEL: Hello! Yes, speaking.

GURU: Told you! Be slippy about it!

JOEL: (EMBARRASSED) Yes, I have been looking for you. One moment, please!

JOEL Withdraws to a corner and speaks in a whisper, stressing some words.

JOEL: Yes, I have applied for the position of sales director.

GURU: (PRETENDING TO BE PREOCCUPIED, BUT PAYING ATTENTION TO JOEL) Well done, sell!

JOEL: Of course I can come for an interview. Where and when?

GURU: He looks pretty resolute.

JOEL: Better after five o’clock.

GURU: And willing to put in overtime. That’s the sort of people we need.

JOEL: I will bring all my papers.

GURU: The agreement and invoice too. Way to go, lad!

JOEL: You have made the best choice, I guarantee you. Good day.

GURU: Well?

JOEL: Consider it done, boss. I’ve listened to you and applied Pareto’s principle.

GURU: (CONFOUNDED) I beg your pardon?

JOEL: Yes, the eighty-twenty rule. Eighty percent of the effects come from twenty percent of the causes. You’ve taught me that.

GURU: (DUMBFOUNDED) When the hell…?? What are you saying there?

GONG!

Round XI

JOEL: I’m back!

ANNOUNCER: His last hour has come.

NERO: Back from the dead?

JOEL: Indeed! I hope this time everything is all right.

ANNOUNCER: We are witnessing a miracle.

GURU: Do you want the title? Trample him underfoot!

NERO: (SLAPS HIM) Depends on who needs this agreement more.

JOEL: (DODGING) I think that is beside the point considering that we’re talking about a win-win agreement.

GURU: Use your left and when you hit lean on your right foot to be more convincing.

NERO: (SLAPS HIM AGAIN) So you’re after profit on my account.

JOEL: Considering your terms I don’t think we can be talking about profit.

GURU: The right, lad! That you’re eating with, you fool!

ANNOUNCER: Guru is encouraging his man.

NERO: You’re not upset, arent’y you?

ANNOUNCER: A fine blow.

JOEL: Not at all. In my job there is no such thing as annoyance.

NERO: (KICKS) I’m relieved to hear that. Let’s get back to the point. I found no mention of the discount I get for such a big amount.

JOEL: (DEFENDS) “Big” it is a relative word. To you it’s minor.

NERO: (KICKS) Listen matey, minor is only under eighteen. Never mind. Forty per cent would do.

ANNOUNCER: A right hook which knocked him senseless.

GURU: You’re fine. Stay on the floor until you come to your senses.

ANNOUNCER: One, two…

JOEL: I cannot allow you more than twenty, believe me.

NERO: (SPITTING) You’re offending me.

JOEL: You’re humiliating me.

GURU: Stay down.

ANNOUNCER: (SLOWLY) Three, four…

NERO (KICKS) Very well then, thirty per cent just to please you.

GURU: Stay there.

JOEL: I have to ask for approval.

NERO: (KICKS) Hurry up then. I might want fifty per cent tomorrow.

ANNOUNCER: Fiiive…

JOEL: I’ll see what I can do.

NERO: (KICKS) Okey-doke, seventy thousand it is.

GURU: Rest.

ANNOUNCER: Siiix…

JOEL: I told you…

NERO: (KICKS) And I wouldn’t mind making the cover, just for the sake of our friendship.

ANNOUNCER: Foul, kick below the belt.

JOEL: (WHINING) Covers are already taken. All of them.

GURU: Take a deep breath.

ANNOUNCER: Seeeveeen…

NERO: You’ll think of something. You wanna be a champion, don’t you?

JOEL: Hope I live to see it.

ANNOUNCER: Eeeeight…

GURU: Okay, up-a-daisy, on your feet at nine.

NERO: (LANDING A HARD BLOW) Come on, it’s a piece of cake.

ANNOUNCER: Eight and a haaalf…

GURU: On your feet, lad, or else I’ll kill you!

JOEL: (OFF) Beeep you all!

ANNOUNCER: Niiiine…

JOEL: (STANDING UP NIMBLE) It’s my last life.

GURU: Bravo, you got away.

ANNOUNCER: That was so close.

GONG!

Break 11

JOEL: Boss, give me a cigarette.

GURU: Smoking is not good for you, lad. Especially now.

JOEL: Boss, do you think smoking is more harmful to my health than what he’s doing to me?

GURU: You’re right. (lighting a cigarette) It’s less bad than the daily meetings and idiotic reports.

JOEL: He’s kicking as if he doesn’t want to finish me off.

GURU: Be serious, you’re exaggerating.

JOEL: He clearly wants to “beep” me, but he could at least use a little lubricant.

GURU: Eh, he’s just playing around.

JOEL: Not around, but deep inside. I don’t understand him, boss!

GURU: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

JOEL: Or makes you wanna end with it all.

GURU: Don’t lose heart, it won’t take longer. Anyway, you put up a good resistance. I don’t know how you haven’t given up so far.

JOEL: Need helped, boss. Do you realize what would happen if I didn’t pay the instalment for my automatic?

GURU: (OFF) You sneaking devil! You have an automatic?

JOEL: Yes, boss, I do.

GURU: You’re fortunate. Good for you, lad. Does it have ABS?

JOEL: I don’t know. But it has electronic display…

GURU: Oho, even better.

JOEL: One thousand and five hundred rotations…

GURU: Revolutions?

JOEL: Same thing. And it’s the new model…

GURU: You amaze me!

JOEL: Seven programmes…

GURU: Seven? City, medium, long stretch and what else?

JOEL: … maximum load, low energy, delay, minimum consumption…

GURU: (OUT OF PATIENCE) Petrol or diesel?

JOEL: Water, boss.

GURU: An ecological one, very cool… (OFF) “Beep” me! Is it a Japanese one?

JOEL: Nay, European. Made in Bulgaria.

GURU: Seems to be very solid than.

JOEL: Yes, and clothes are almost dried.

GURU: (RELIEF BREATHING) Ooh, I see. You put my mind at ease. Well, hope you have fun with it and do better!

JOEL: Thanks. Is it very hard to pay it.

GURU: Don’t you worry, lad, I’m sure you’ll get by as long as you are alive and well.

JOEL: Eh, I’ve had some headaches lately.

GURU: A trifle…

JOEL: But I am happy, now.

GURU:  … you’ll get over it!

JOEL is having a nervous breakdown: laughing and crying at the same time.

GURU: Calm down! (SHAKING HIM) ENOUGH! Finish him off and be done with it! After the bout, you go to see a film, dine out (taking some money out of his pocket), here, take five pounds.

JOEL: Thanks.

GURU: Or you better rest – give it back (sticking it in the other pocket) – okay … and you’ll be as good as new.

JOEL: Yeah, good to be stuffed considering I’m totally whacked out.

GURU: Keep your head up! I have a new challenge for you… tomorrow we attack Parsimovich. And you’ll have a chance to show who you really are. Come on, make him KO!

GONG!

JOEL: OK.

Round XII

ANNOUNCER : Twelfth round. The final one. Who is going to be the champion?

GURU: You can do it. This is your night.

ANNOUNCER: We shall see. The moment of truth has come.

NERO: To be honest, I thought you wouldn’t come back.

JOEL: How could I? Client’s satisfaction…, no, his pleasure and delight is more important than anything.

NERO: Have you sorted out the cover issue?

JOEL: Even better: the catalogue shall be dispatched in Muffet luxury envelopes.

NERO: You sneaky bastard! I take my hat off to you.

ANNOUNCER: He has really given it to him.

JOEL: Thanks. Here’s the agreement with the last amendments.

GURU: Butcher him!

NERO: Let’s see: object, duration, price, payment… Seems all right.

JOEL: As agreed.

NERO: Congratulations, I didn’t think you were up to it.

JOEL: I did my best.

NERO: Wait a second! What’s this, seventy thousand VAT EXCLUDED? It should read VAT included, matey boy…

JOEL: But you will recover VAT…

NERO: Indeed, but I have to pay it.

GURU: Keep moving.

JOEL: Just for one month.

NERO: No, that cannot be. I’m sorry…

GURU: (YELLING) You’re the hoooope of us aaaall.

JOEL: Very well, VAT included. Amended. Sounds better?

ANNOUNCER: A kick in the stomach.

NERO: (GROANING) Hmm, quite.

JOEL: Here’s the pen.

ANNOUNCER: A healthy uppercut.

NERO: (staggers, but manages to kick him in the ribs) It doesn’t write.

ANNOUNCER: NERO parries the hiding.

JOEL: (STIFLED) Take the cap off.

NERO: (taking the cap off) It’s stuck.

JOEL: Hold it by the other end.

ANNOUNCER: Two atomic rights.

GURU: Bingo.

NERO: (pointing to the pen, after signing) May I keep it?

JOEL: Of course.

NERO: (murmuring) Farewell then.

GURU: DON’T FORGEEET…

JOEL: Don’t you worry. And now the stamp.

ANNOUNCER: And a nuclear left.

GURU: Checkmate.

NERO: (whining) It’s dried out.

JOEL: (soaking it in his own blood) No problem.

ANNOUNCER: Although he is covered in blood he does not relent.

GURU: Bull’s-eye.

ANNOUNCER: A kick right in the face.

NERO: (collapsing) I’m an impoooortant person…

ANNOUNCER: Ten, nine…

GURU: Take the agreement out of his hand.

JOEL: Ok, I got it.

ANNOUNCER: Six, five…

GURU: My champ.

JOEL: You stay down there…

GURU: Final destination.

ANNOUNCER: (counting quickly) Three, two, one, KNOCK-OUUUT!

GURU: Goaaaaal…

ANNOUNCER: LAAADIEEES AND GEEENTS, the new champion of professional kick-selling: GEOOORGE LASEEER.

GURU: HURRRAH! He has slain the dragon.

ANNOUNCER: The bout is over. Joel has won. Nobody believed in his comeback, especially after the setbacks from the middle of the bout. What a surprise! The audience is ecstatic.

GURU: You are the champion of sales agencies, the champion of their ideals.

ANNOUNCER: To put up a fight until the last second of the final round! Fascinating! A great champion.

JOEL: I won.

GURU: The pride of the corporation.

ANNOUNCER: Well done, Joel! You have brightened our evening. The audience has in this hero an example to follow.

GURU: (hugging him) Touch him to be lucky!

JOEL: (crying with joy) Boss, I did it!

GURU: You crazy bastard! You said you couldn’t.

JOEL: I feel sick.

ANNOUNCER: Wait a second! Joel collapses to the ground.

GURU: Hey, up-a-daisy!

ANNOUNCER: I cannot see what is going on, but the audience is panicked. Joel does not move.

GURU: Keep away, let him breathe.

ANNOUNCER: The paramedic comes running. The champion is not breathing.

GURU: (CRYING) My boy, can you see me?

ANNOUNCER: The paramedic feels his pulse. Everybody watching is shocked.

GURU: Answer!

ANNOUNCER: They attempt resuscitation… nothing…. Once again.

GURU: Come on, child, come to your senses!

ANNOUNCER: Guru is in the depths of despair. He punches him in the chest.

GURU: Joel, stay with me!

ANNOUNCER: In vain. I think he suffered a cerebral heart stroke. Incredible. Sensational. Exclusively on our channel you may follow dramatic moments. The champion dies of joy or emotions. Muffet keeps the title.

GURU: Jesus, they have killed you! (funeral DISCO march in the background)

ANNOUNCER:  A GREEEAT TRAAAGEDY! Champion for five minutes. That is something you may see once in a hundred years. What a show! Stay with us, do not change the channel. The show goes on. And now we shall see the final between… (dies away)

Epilogue

Backstage.

GURU: Your Excellency, I didn’t see this coming! God rest his soul!

NERO: Rest his soul and forgive you, you bloody bastard, I feel like killing you! My plans went out in smoke! Do you have the slightest idea how much I lost? I bet all I had on that kid. In the tenth round odds were one hundred to one. I invested one million, you stupid oaf! ONE MILLION! And I was to get one hundred. ONE HUNDRED MILLION! You’re dead!

GURU: But, Boss, how was I to know he had a weak heart?

NERO: Proactivity, lad! You should have anticipated anything that could go wrong!

GURU: (whispering) Everything went as planned…

NERO: Less the ending! ABC: ALWAYS BE CLOSING!

GURU: But the agreement is valid.

NERO: You still don’t get it! Those were the last funds borrowed and invested to tackle the crisis. You’ll be polishing shoes in the City, you scum!

GURU: No, I’m begging you, give me another chance!

NERO: You’re fired! And I’ll make sure NO-ONE EVER HEARS ANYTHING OF YOU! OUT OF MY SIGHT!

GURU: (going out) Fiiiine! (SHUT THE DOOR)

Alone he dials a number.

GURU: Hello, Yin company? May I speak to Mr. Yang, please?

THE END

http://www.imdb.com/mymovies/list?l=28863968

Ziua 1. Luni, 02.04.1984

Noapte de nesomn. Drobeta Turnu-Severin. Despartire. Brigadieri. Parinti. Munca. Anda. Surprize.

Nu pot sa dorm toata noaptea. Pe la 2 (AM) ma trezesc si incep sa ma gandesc la prieteni, la cele 8 (opt) saptamani, la voi, la noi, la toti. Adorm in sfarsit pe la 4:30 (tot AM).

Suna ceasul. E 5:30 Þ scularea. Repede la baie si in minimum de timp devin fresh: spalat, pieptanat, parfumat, barbierit, etc. Iau potol ca pentru o companie intreaga (de fapt nu a ajuns decat 2 zile).

Ajung la gara impreuna cu Sorin si apoi plec cu niste baieti la transportul materialelor: mingii, sah, echipament sportiv, televizor.

Sosire pe peron: bagaje, fete (colege), parinti, maistrii, diriginti, etc.. Are loc selectia brigazii: cei slabi de inger raman la sanul mamei. Cad primele lacrimi, care de altfel se usuca repede.

Vine trenul. Ultimele priviri intre parinti si copii. Primele poante isi fac aparitia. Fetele ne promit o vizita. Le vom astepta! Gata, am plecat!

Trebuie sa fac 2 tabele cu toti brigadierii. Blatistii (Sorin si Enache) sunt cam speriati la aparitia controlului CFR, dar le trece repede. Ajungem in Bucale, ocazie cu care expediem acasa doi dintre noi care erau in plus (Simion Cristian si Olteanu Daniel). Umbland prin imprejurimile Garii de Nord pentru a ne intipari in memorie ultimele urme de civilizatie descoperim si mascota noastra: o papusa (numita Hali, de la Halanga) cu rochie mini, cu parul lung, negru, cu ochi albastri de verzi, cu buze imbietoare si nasuc simpatic.

Impreuna cu Muse incheiem tranzactia cu “Hali” si cumparam si o sticla de brandy “Drobeta”.

Plecam in necunoscut. Pe tren se fumeaza si se bea ca la bodega comunala.

Facem repartizarea pe camere:

- camera 23: Sandu Sorin (Logi), Ceacareanu Sergiu (Ceaca, Doly, Dana), Ungureanu Cristian (Sile), Dinescu George (Dine), Voinea Dan (Voinic)

- camera 25: Ungureanu Dragos (Uricanu’, Uri), Anastasescu Florin (Calu’), Capraru Marius (Capra), Voicu Adrian (Adi), Voinea Constantin

- camera 26: Tudor Virgil, Puscasu Daniel, Copaciu Gigi, Lazar Florin

- camera 27: Istrate Cristian (Bibanu’, Bibi), Ioan Daniel (Guta), Macavei Sorin (Mac), Popescu Radu (Popeye, Papai)

- camera 24: Sarbu – instructor, Matei Gheorghe, Matei Stefan – maistrii

- camera 28: Voinea Dragos (Turbatu’), Manta Cristian (Mantos), Ionita Georgel (John), Stan Constantin (Stanica)

- camera 29: Popescu Tudor (Baciu’), Lungu Gabriel (Negrul), Alexandru Voiculeasa (Cioc), Grosu Aurelian

- camera 30: Nita Vasile, Garlea Bogdan, Duta Razvan

.

.

.

- camera 40: Musetescu Catalin (Muse, Muie, Bambi), Ionescu Alin (Zombi), Marculescu Doru (Baba)

- camera 41: Ristea Mirel (Berela), Tanase Andrei (Tasica, Gorez), Oprescu Liviu (Sugativa, Suva), Anghel Cristian (Piticul)

- camera 42: Dan Cristian, Mihail Marius (Beskov), Fulgeanu Ludovic (Lulu), Mircea Ionel

- camera 43: Ceausu Tiberiu (Tibi), Ghita Sorin, Nita Vasile, Bucsea Catalin (Cata), Luca Gheorghe (Lucky, Pele)

- camera 44: Vasile Mircea, Cristache Marius (Cita), Cotovanu Emil, Preda Ionel, Neicu Liviu

Ajungem la capatul lumii. Un peisaj dezolant: baraci de lemn, drum partial asfaltat, noroaie (unde nu s-a uscat), denivelari (unde s-a uscat), gropi, muncitori…

Suntem in comuna Halanga!

Intram in camera si ramanem inmarmuriti: 2 scaune (fara speteaza), paturi de companie (trei, dupa ce in prealabil am mai adus unul), o masa murdara, o teava de calorifer (de fapt doua Þ avem 1-0), o perdea murdara (cred ca a fost folosita la spalatul podelelor, care totusi au ramas murdare), o fereastra (dubla Þ avem 2-0) cu geamuri prea mici (rezulta o aerisire neplacuta ce se transforma in vijelie la deschiderea usii), o priza (avem 3-0) si o usa.

Muse vrea sa se aseze in pat, dar renunta. A dat cu curu’ de podea. Constatam ca perna e constituita mai mult din fata de perna si ca initiala culoare a cearsafurilor era alba. Ne-au egalat: 3-3.

Plecam la masa. Dezamagire profunda. Primul fel il inghitim cu chiu cu vai. La al doilea nu rezistam: mergem cu totii si-l depunem la oala pentru porci. Toate astea in ciuda painii negre ce ne-a fost oferita, a tacamului murdar, a mesei nespalate. Vrem sa luam apa. E salcie. Renuntam.

Dar traim cu speranta unei hepatite rapide si a scutirii de calvar.

Am uitat sa specific ca drumul pana la cantina (cam 1 km) ne-a sleit de tot la dus, insa ne consolam la intoarcere in fata potolului adus de acasa. Mancam pe sparte si pe nerasuflate.

Nu se mai poate tine scorul. Au un avantaj prea mare in fata noastra. Renuntam si aspeptam sperand.

Prima (si singura) fapta buna de azi: a bagat bere la bufet. Bem cat-o bere in camera si ascultam muzica la casetofonul lui Dine.

E ora 11. Ne pregatim de culcare. Punem becul rosu (pentru semiintuneric) si palavragim pana pe la 12 noaptea.

Inca o specificatie: avem si un bec in camera (l-am uitat la inventar) care insa nu sta prea bine in dulie.

Apare prima faza dura, la cantina – o poanta (de fapt banc sec): “Pofta buna” e considerata ca o injuratura la adresa celui caruia i-a fost adresata.

Ziua 2. Marti, 03.04.1984

Ne sculam la 5.30. De fapt suntem sculati cu fluiere si busituri in usi. Rapid inviorarea, patul, dintii, imbracamintea, etc.

Mergem la masa: 2 oua, paine, o cana de ceai (sau cam asa ceva). Se vede treaba ca vom incepe munca dupa asa un meniu consistent.

In tabara un tip ne tine o cuvantare despre protectia muncii. E primit cu mult “entuziasm”.

Apar primele divergente. Un instructor (de la Arges sau Valcea) se cearta cu Ceaca; nea Matei vrea sa-l exmatriculeze pe Dine – a fumat in timpul sedintei de N.T.S. (Normele si Tehnica Securitatii parca).

Baietii isi iau in primire echipamentul: cizme, salopeta, casca. Cizmele nu prea se potrivesc. Logi a nimerit unele 39 si el poarta 43; altul le-a luat pe amandoua pe stangul si nu stiu care a primit 2 masuri diferite. Salopetele: 17 noi, celelalte… Castile sunt prea mici, pentru prescolari sau nou-nascuti.

Din cauza stomacelor (care cer!) se mananca bine la cantina. Mancarea e digerabila: ciorba si mancare de cartofi.

Plecam in oras cu invoire aproximativ generala. Targul sarbesc ne ofera surprize: bisnitari si fraieri.

Orasul e mediocru. Ne legam de tipe, fara succes insa, Cautam bere, nu gasim. Vrem sa cumparam ceva, magazinele sunt inchise.

Luam masina (traseul 10) cu care calatorim cam pe-afara. Aglomeratie mare!

Ajungem la caminul nostru dorit si golim bufetul de bere. Intreprind prima vizita in natura.

In camera ma apuc sa scriu in sfarsit jurnalul. Sunt deranjat din cinci in cinci minute. Rezist eroic pana cand vine “nea Gigi” care vrea sa fac programul de activitate, care vrea sa facem curatenie, care vrea cateva tabele, care vrea…

Stabilim programul AMR-ului (“A Mai Ramas”):

1. Rugaciunea individuala – pentru timpuri mai bune.
2. Numararea, cu voce tare, a AMR.
3. Taierea din “libimetru” a AMT (“A Mai Trecut”).
4. Incheierea festiva.

Se organizeaza spalarea WC-urilor, de catre noi, si chiar se reuseste desfundarea acestora.

Efectuam activitatea de AMR si apoi desfacem o sticla de Soplica si o cutie de conserve. Cam dupa miezul noptii ne culcam. Adormim imediat – rezultatul sticlei de vodca se face simtit.

Ziua 3. Miercuri, 04.04.1984

Scularea si servitul mesei se desfasoara ceva mai rapid. Afara ploua si peste tot sunt noroaie. Incepi sa crezi ca ploua cu noroi.

Aflam o veste buna: nu vom munci azi din cauza ploii. Da, Doamne, s-o tina tot asa! Ma duc in camera si ma culc. Ceilalti joaca poker, sah, wist sau dorm.

Pe la 10 plecam sa vedem locul unde o sa muncim. Crunta deziluzie: vom sapa santuri (3x1x1)! Un maistru de pe santier ne tine un discurs despre protectia muncii si despre accidentele de munca, expunandu-ne nu stiu cate cazuri mortale.

Primul potol mai rasarit: ciorba de cartofi si fasole. Farfuriile sunt curate dupa ce mancam. Linse!

Dupa masa dorm vreo patru ore, apoi ma duc la cina.

Muse a fost in oras si a venit pe la 9 lihnit de foame. Dinescu, Logi, Sergiu si Sile spala WC-ul si nu ne dau voie sa intram in “camera obscura”, asa ca mergem in natura.

Taiem AMR 56 si ne pregatim de hibernare. Frigul ne intra in oase. Alin se culca, eu si cu Muse scriem scrisori. De fapt numai eu, Muse a adormit. Noape buna!

Ziua 4. Joi, 05.04.1984

Pentru inceput cateva intamplari retro pe care nu le-am semnalat ieri. O cugetare a lui Luca in timp ce inaintam cu greu prin noroaie: “Ce curios si cu pamantul asta, vrea sa vada cum e-n cizme!”. Oricum, nu cred ca mai e cazul sa completez ca dupa marsul respectiv cizmele cantareau 2-3 kilograme. Fiecare! Asa ca putem zice c-am avut parte de efort.

Tot ieri Fulgeanu a cazut frumusel in noroi, iar Uricanu’ s-a pisat in chiuveta.

De dimineata am avut oua ochiuri, cate doua de caciula. Pardon, de casca! Stateam la masa cu Alin, Muse si cu Adi si ne-am servit cu inca o portie de ochiuri. De fapt nu am fost singurii. A iesit un scandal monstru: pe de o parte bucataresele, pe cealalta maistrii si activistii. Nu stiam cum sa scapam de farfuria tradatoare. Pana la urma am sters-o bine cu paine si am bagat-o in combinezon, ca o platosa. Am iesit bine-mersi afara si am aruncat-o intr-o ghena de gunoi. Tot acolo a aruncat-o si Sile pe a lui, dupa ce ne-am convins ca amandoi aveam acelasi scop.

Faza dura a fost in timpul certei de la cantina: cand poluarea fonica ajunsese la un grad de maxima periculozitate s-a auzit un racnet: “Hai Petrolul” si apoi un val de rasete. Fusese Muse!

Dupa masa ne-am luat uneltele de munca si ne-am oprit in dreptul unui sant gata facaut ce ne-a fost pontat noua, asa ca timp de 5 ore am stat degeaba. Am descoperit preocupari noi: tintirea castilor, care se aflau pe cap, cu pietricele mai mici sau mai mari, turnarea de noroi in cizme, stropirea cu noroi a salopetelor, ruperea cozilor lopetilor, etc.

Dupa masa de pranz am plecat in oras, am dat un telefon acasa, apoi am venit pe jos pana la Halanga, cale de vreo 6 kilometri, din cauza traseului 10 (“sa te fxxx cine trece!”) si am reusit sa mananc si eu ceva la cantina, spre final.

In tabara curentul era oprit si am asteptat vreo ora pana ne-am luminat. Dupa ce i-am speriat din nou pe toti cu AMR-ul nostru, Muse s-a dus la poker, inca mai sunt fraieri cu bani, iar eu m-am apucat de scris.

Pe curand…

Ziua 5. Vineri, 06.04.1984

Muse s-a intors de la poker pe la patru dimineata. A jucat cu Sandu, Dine si Tibi. La cinci si jumatate cand s-a dat scularea erau cu totii morti de oboseala. Dine si cu Muse, ca sa-si revina, s-au dus pe la opt, cand ceilalti munceau, la dormitor si s-au culcat. Sarbu s-a ginit si i-a prins in camere. Ce-a urmat nu e greu de imaginat: urlete, spalarea WC-urilor, cearta, etc.

Fiindca au vrut sa ma scoata si pe mine vinovat, pe motiv ca am stiut unde sunt si nu i-am parat am facut un scandal monstru. Asta cu toate ca-l trimisesem pe Gica sa-i scoale si sa-i aduca la munca. Dar sunt acuzat ca le-am luat apararea justificandu-le lipsa printr-o plecare “in natura” din motive de indigestie. Pana la urma totul s-a aplanat si ne-am impacat.

Tot azi Muse gasind un pachet de scobitori a facut constatarea ca i-a gasit pe fratii lui Logi. Eu iesind in oras si apeland la doua tipe prin “Pss, pss” am primit drept raspuns: “Ham, ham”.

Masa de seara nu am apucat-o, asa ca am luat-o prin vecini. Nu c-ar fi fost o mare pierdere.

Am facut AMR 53 cu multa veselie si o sticla de Soplica alaturi.

Suntem obositi si ne culcam…

Ziua 6. Sambata, 07.04.1984

Dimineata normala: sculat, spalat, mars, masa, etc. Am mai mers un kilometru sa luam sculele si inca unul pana la locul de munca. Am umplut un sant cu nisip si apoi ne-au dus sa curatam curtea unui atelier de reparatii. Imputita treaba.

Intre timp, Uricanu s-a dus si a gaurit niste monede ca sa le avem de rezerva pentru telefonul public. Din pacate nu am reusit sa vorbim cu niciuna.

Din incinta atelierului de reparatii am sutit cateva lucruri : becuri, faruri, sarma, etajere, etc. N-ai de unde sa stii cand ne vor fi de folos. A fost un jaf ! Cu sarma si etajerele « imprumutate » vrem sa facem rafturi in camera. Spirit tehnic intreprinzator, nu?

Am iesit de la munca franti si am intrat la masa unde, impreuna cu Muse, am mancat cate doua portii de fiecare.

Pe la 14.30 am plecat in oras si ne-am oprit direct la baia publica unde, dupa un dus fain, am dat jos cateva kile de namol si praf ce se depusesera pe noi.

Apoi am mers la targul sarbesc de unde am luat un pachet de trabucuri, o ciocolata si un calendar sexy. A propos de “sexy”, ieri am cumparat din targ un pachet de carti de joc (nuduri).

Apoi am fost cu Muse si am cumparat 1 sticla de Soplica si 3 conserve si am « imprumutat » 2 sticle si o conserva.

Astfel dotati, ne-am oprit la Casa de cultura a tineretului in asteptarea discotecii. In timp ce asteptam, unul din grupul nostru s-a legat de doua tipe. Cand am vazut m-am baga si eu rapid intre ei trei. Mi-am dat seama ca pe una din ele o cunoasteam. Dupa e ne-am privit indelung ne-am recunoscut. Era o veche “iubita” de-a mea dintr-o tabara de instruire UTC. Am condus-o cativa pasi si am aranjat o inalnire ulterioara. Pe drum mi-a mai facut cunostinta cu vreo patru tipe cu care apoi am plecat la discoteca Patria impreuna cu sase alti colegi.

Nu am stat prea mult la discoteca: toti erau niste tarani si nu stiau sa danseze, iar cativa tigani ne promisesera o bataie. Din cauza fecioarelor!

Am plecat de-acolo si am prins masina de Colibasi care ne-a dus pana la Halanga. In camera am mancat, am facut AMR-ul si apoi ne-am culcat in asteparea orei unu noaptea. Explicatii – maine. Inca ceva: maine sunt de serviciu la cantina in locul lui Sergiu.

Ziua 7. Duminica, 08.04.1984

N-am mai putut astepta ora unu cand ar fi fost posibil sa se transmita programul sexy sarbesc. Am dormit bustean. Oricum, tot nu s-a transmis nimic, dupa cate ziceau cei ce au stat treji.

Vom aveatrei televizoare: unul al scolii, de fap al maistrilor, unul al lui Gica si unul al lui Uricanu. Al lui Gica a venit astazi impreuna si cu un achet pentru mine de la ai mei.

Astazi am fost de serviciu la cantina. Am mancat pe sparte: 6 portii de mic dejun si doua de pranz. Mai aveam putin si plesneam. Masa de seara s-a dat la pachet. Pe langa astea am mai adus in camera vreo patru paini, 10 carnati, 15 oua, 5 eugenii si un pachet de margarina. Alta viata!

Dupa serviciul de la cantina am plecat in oras pe jos. Duminica nu circula autobuze in Drobeta, magazinele nu sunt deschise (se explica proviziile, nu?).

M-am oprit la Telefoane unde am vorbit vreo jumatate de ora cu Anda si un sfert de ora cu altcineva, cu numai 4 lei.

La barul hotelului Parc ne-a facut cinste Sergiu la vreo 10 oameni cu cate un Florio. In drum spre discoteca am zarit niste trasuri-taxi in care m-am urcat impreuna cu Dine si am mers pana la Casa de cultura, la discoteca. Dupa vreo doua ore de asteptare pana sa-nceapa distractia propriu-zisa m-am agatat de o tipa cu care am dansat vreo patru blues-uri. La al cincilea l-am lasat pe Dine s-o ia. Am aranjat si o intalnire pe maine, pe la cinci dupa masa, la Posta. Si Dine i-a aranjat o intalnire. Sunt curios la care din noi se va prezenta.

Pe la zece seara am ajuns la baraca, am taiat AMR-ul, ceea ce s-a lasat cu scandal din pricina maistrilor care ne-au auzit strigatele de bucurie si apoi m-am apucat de jurnal.

Mi-e somn, ma culc.

Intermezzo

1. Scuzati-mi scrisul. Stiu ca e oribil, dar nu am ce face. Sunt dezavantajat si din cauza luminii produse de becul rosu de camuflaj si din pricina grabei cu care scriu (mi-e somn!)

Pana il voi transcrie sau bate la masina multumiti-va cu acest jurnal asa cum este el.

Inca o data, scuze.

2. Nu rupeti foi din caiet.

3. Nu scrieti nimic in acest caiet.

Ziua 8. Luni, 09.04.1984

Muse a jucat iarasi poker pana la cinci dimineata impreuna cu John.

In afara de faptul ca cineva mi-a furat cutitul, micul dejun nu a prezentat evenimente deosebite.

La munca nu am muncit decat vreo jumatate de ora. Restul timpului am dormit.

Dupa masa de pranz – ciorba si tocanita cu mamaliga – am fost pe la Directorul adjunct de aici, dl. Micu, cu care sunt ai mei prieteni de familie.

Pe la doua si-un sfert a venit unul – comandantulMolnar – pentru deschiderea oficiala a taberei de munca.

Dupa eveniment am avut munca patriotica pana pe la patru si jumatate. La ora cinci eram deja in oras impreuna cu Muse. Am intrat in Posta, am blocat telefonul si am vorbit alternativ cu Muse pana la opt si-un sfert, cand ne-a dat portarul afara. Am vorbit doua ore si jumatate si am cheltuit doar treizeci de lei. La un moment dat se instaleaza unul in fata cabinei noastre telefonice, credea ca o sa-i mearga si lui, dar i s-au epuizat repede fisele. Tipul a iesit injurand.

Neavand ce face am intrat cu Muse in cofetarie si am luat de fiecare cate o inghetata dubla, o prajitura si o citronada. Cand sa plecam din cofetarie am ochit doua tipe. Am mai luat doua citronade si am vrut sa ne asezam la masa lor dar ne-au refuzat. Pana la urma ne-au primit, de fapt ne-au chemat, la masa lor. Pe la noua si jumatate, dupa ce le vrajiseram destul, am luat masina spre Halanga. Am ajuns fara nici un incident in tabara.

Dupa AMR 50 am mancat trei conserve si apoi ne-am culcat.

Iarasi mi-e somn…

Ziua 9. Marti, 10.04.1984

O zi foarte agitata.

Dimineata a plouat si am crezut ca nu mai mergem la munca, asa ca am ramas toti trei in camera sa ne continuam somnul.

Pe la sase si jumatate a sosit mama lui Alin si i-a adus potol si toale.

I-am cerut voie lui Sarbu sa mancam in camera, desi mai tarziu ne-a facut cu ou si cu otet ca de ce nu am fost la cantina sa mancam.

Pe la noua si jumatate Muse s-a dus la WC cu invoire de la maistru. Din cauza ca a intarziat pana pe la unspe era sa iasa foarte nasol penru el, adica sa fie trimis acasa si apoi exmatriculat din liceu. Dupa mari insistente am reusit sa-l facem pe maistrul Matei Gheorghe sa renunte la ideea de a-l trimite la Ploiesti.

Dupa cina au venit niste “destepti” de la revista Stiinta si tehnica si Tehnium si au tinut un dialog cu noi pe diferite teme : cima, poluare, automobilism, fizica, etc. La un moment dat intreaba unul din sala: “Ce este o gaura neagra si cum se manifesta?” Raspuns: “O gaura neagra te atrage.” De acord!

Dine a facut urat azi. Vrea, mai mult ca sigur, sa plece acasa. S-a luat in gura cu Sarbu.

Dupa cina am mancat in camera, apoi AMR, apoi jurnal, apoi spalare de rufe.

Moralul oamenilor este foarte scazut, starea de incordare foarte ridicata. Ne enervam din orice: din cauza mancarii de la cantina, fie prea putina, fie prea proasta, a dormtului pe sponci, a muncii de ocnas, a programului liber care nu prea e liber…

Sper intr-o calmare a spiritelor. Sa asteptam…

Ziua 10. Miercuri, 11.04.1984

Zi relativ normala.

Dimineata: scularea, micul dejun, munca, etc.

La munca am dormit intre 10 si 12.30.

Bibi si Capra s-au pocnit azi si era sa iaa bataie in toata regula.

Dupa masa de pranz am plecat in oras. Maistrul Matei (ala chelu’) a plecat pana duminica la Ploiesti.

Dupa ce am facut rost de bani am fost la Posta si am vorbit la telefon, desigur dupa ce l-am blocat, cu Sorin o ora si cu mama o jumatate de ora. Ceva mai tarziu i-am telefonat si Andei, insa nu am conversat prea mult din cauza ca m-a deranjat un papagal de la Telefoane dupa vreun sfert de ora si mi-a zis sa inchid. Ce l-am mai injurat!

Adi mi-a facut cinste cu un Florio pentru ca i-am spus secretul blcarii telefoanelor.

Cand am ajuns in tabara toti baietii erau la televizor si urmareau meciul de fotbal dintre FC Liverpool si Dinamo. De altfel s-au facut si pariuri. Muse a castigat toti banii pentru ca a ghicit scorul de 1-0.

Am stat pana la unu si jumatate noaptea si am compus o scrisoare intr-o stare de nervi si oboseala. Alin face urat ca de ce fumeaza Muse si de ce tinem lumina aprinsa. Uite d-aia, ca-ma-s pe ea de lumina.

Ziua 11. Joi, 12.04.1984

Baietii s-au bucurat tare de plecarea lui Nea Matei. A fost o zi mai blanda.

La munca am sapat cat am sapat, apoi pe la 11 am luat o pauza si am asteptat sa vina ora mesei.

Astazi a venit si ma-sa lui Muse impreuna cu un coleg de-al nostru. E de la sine inteles ca seara am mancat ca niste sparti. Cred ca o sa plecam de-aici cu o greutate dubla celei de la sosire.

In oras am facut o baie buna impreuna cu Logi in aceeasi cada, am mai dat niste telefoane, am baut un Florio, am incercat sa intram la discoteca, fara succes insa. La una din cele trei discoteci existente era s-o luam pe cocoasa, la alta nu am gasit decat trei tipe si alea urate, intr-o sala destul de incapatoare, iar in ultima nu s-a tinut disco din cauza unui spectacol de muci.

Brela a incurcat-o la o autoservire in timp ce sutea o conserva.

Desi am asteptat pana la doua noaptea televiziunea sarba iar n-a dezamagit. Nici un film porno.

Ziua 12. Vineri, 13.04.1984

O zi obisnuita.

Astazi am terminat santul inceput acum doua saptamani. Am iesit peste norma, asa ca s-ar putea sa luam vreo sapte-opt foi de fiecare pe luna asta. A vorbit cu baietii sa-i dam o sticla celui ce ne ponteaza si inca una excavatoristului care ne va ajuta la sapatul gropilor de maine incolo. Incet-incet ne prindem cum sta treaba si cum ne putem face viata mai usoara.

Baietii s-au culcat dupa masa, asa ca am fost acoperit cand m-am dus in oras pentru aprovizionare.

Am primit a doua scrisoare, de la Sorin, dupa ce prima a fost de la Anda, pe data de 11.

Cina a fost mizerabila. Pe seara au sosit niste parinti, iar doua mame au ramas peste noapte in baraca.

Si in noaptea asta vom ramane sa vedem daca se confirma sau nu sperantele noastre sexy.

Am uitat sa va anunt componenta Biroului UTC al organizatiei de brigadieri:

-         Secretar – eu

-         Secretar adjunct cu propaganda – Logi

-         Secretar adjunct cu organizatoricul – Bibanu’

-         Responsabil sport-turism – Baciu’

-         Responsabil cultural-artistic – Lulu

-         Responsabil cu munca patriotica – Lucky

-         Casier – Turbatu’

In locul lui Baciu’ fusese ales la inceput, acasa, Virgil Dragomir, dar a fost schimbat din cauza ca nu s-a prezentat la recrutare.

Comandantii brigazii Prahova sunt: eu si adjunct Cotovanu. Inaintea lui Emil fusese Muse, dar a fost inlocuit din motive disciplinare. De ce oare…?!

Au aparut primele articole la Gazeta: Munca pe santier, Ghimpele si Ruga pentru brigadieri. Ultimul ca o parafrazare a cantecului deja celebru Ruga pentru parinti: Enigmatici si cuminti / mizeri

Terminandu-si rostul lor

Langa noi se sting si mor

Dragii nostri, dragi parinti… / brigadieri…

Cheama-i Doamne inapoi

Ca si-asa au dus-o prost,

Fa-i mai liberi decat noi

Fa-i mai liberi daca poti.

Intr-o zi de primavara

Ne-au suit pe toti in tren

Si-am ajuns in fapt de seara

Cei cincizeci pentru infern.

Cheama-i Doamne la Ploiesti,

Cheama-i la iubita lor,

De munca sa-i miluiesti,

Da-le frau placerilor

Dimineata pe la cinci

Cand de-abia noi ne culcam

Somnul nostru tu ni-l strici

Si pe tine te-njuram.

La cantina cand sosim

Morti de somn si-nfometati

Ceaiul cu drag il sorbim

Si ramanem nemancati.

Noi cu drag muncim de zor

Cand sapam si cand chiulim,

La WC cand noi plecam

Cate-o ora poposim.

Pe la unu, pe la doua

Mai servim o masa noua

Si apoi voiosi plecam

In oras sa ne distram

Prin oras cand ne plimbam

Noi cu sarbii ne tocmim,

Telefoanele blocam

Si c-o vodca ne pilim.

La baraca de ramai

WC-uri tu ve spala,

Libertate nu gasesti

La munca e vor chema.

Si cand seara a sosit

Fiindca stim ce-avem la masa

Si stomacul e golit

Potolim ce-avem de-acasa.

Obositi si enervati

Terminandu-si munca lor

Brigadierii se intorc

La baraca-n patul lor.

Muzica: Ruga pentru parinti

Versuri: Ceaca, Logi si cu mine

Incheiere:

Foaie verde sos de peste

LMV-ul o plateste,

Lasa, lasa, lasa, lasa

Ca ajungem noi acasa,

Laaaaasa!

Mai jos cateva selectii din Gazeta:

Stiati ca:

-         de maine se vor instala in camere dulapuri, cuiere, covoare si recamiere? Lux, nu?

-         aceasta noapte va fi alba? Pregatiti-va banii si Soplica pentru marea gala de poker.

-         Maine vom munci de la 9 la 8?

-         Discoteca gratuita promisa va avea loc maine la ora 19 la Casa Tineretului din Drobeta. Intrarea: 10 lei. Iesirea: gratis sau singur

Va informam ca bolnavii nostri sunt pe cale de recuperare, asa ca ne rugam pentru sufletul lor. Ar fi cazul ca maine sa sapati niste gropi mai estetice.

Speram totusi sa ramanem un colectiv unit. Nu ne lasati aici!

Coliva de redactie: eu si Bibanu’

Ziua 13. Sambata, 14.04.1984

Zi lejera din toate punctele de vedere. A fost prima zi de munca in care soarele a reusit sa incalzeasca atmosfera.

Am inceput treaba pe la 8.30 si am terminat-o pe la 11.30. Dupa masa de pranz am facut careu si Sarbu ne-a spus ca nu pleaca nimeni in oras. Cu toate astea am fost destui care am taiat-o.

Pentru inceput am fost in targul sarbescde unde am cumparat diverse pentru bisnita: guma, ciocolata, tigari, etc.

La telefon am cheltuit vreo 40 de lei. Cu parintii am vorbit de-un leu. Cand am incercat sa-i dau telefon lui Sorin am irosit restul pana la 40 si tot nu l-am blocat.

La baraca am mai facut rost de cativa gologani. Baietii, unii joaca poker, altii pierd vremea la TV asteptand si sperand.

Ziua 14. Duminica, 16.04.1984

Zi de hodina. Am dormit 12 ore: de la unspe la unspe.

Dupa ce am luat mancarea rece la pachet pentru pranz si pentru seara si dupe ce am vizionat Pantera roz am plecat in oras. Am luat-o de-a dreptul pe camp si ne-am oprit intr-o berarie pentru inceput.

Apoi, dupa ce am dat un telefon la Ploiesti am intrat in cofetarie si m-am luat de 2 tipe, Lucica si Lili.

Deoarece vorbisem cu toti baietii sa iesim cu tricouri Tricolorul LMV fetele au crezut ca suntem voleibalisti. Cand ne-am mai intalnit pe strada si cu altii in aceleasi tricouri au devenit sigure. Fraiere, voleibalisti  (unii!) pitici si rotofei!

La despartire am fixat o noua intalnire pentru marti la ora 17 sau miercuri la aceeasi ora.

La discoteca era s-o luam pe coaja. Tase a facut pe ciumecu’ si chiar a incasat-o: doi pumni in gura, unul in barbie si inca unul in plin ochi. Pana a urma ne-am impacat cu atacatorii.

Liviu s-a facut muci din sase sticle de bere si-o suta de coniac. Ne-am distrat de minune pe seama lui.

Ne-am intors pe la unspe seara din oras. Desi dormisem cu ghiotura ne-a cuprins totusi oboseala si-am picat lati…

Ziua 15. Luni, 17.04.1984

Au inceput sa apara efectele psihice.

Dupa o masa imbelsugata (datorita celor primite de acasa) am plecat la munca. A fost o zi obositoare: un soare arid, lipsa de apa, pamantul dur, plin de pietre sau prea moale ca un mal, indispozitia generala, starea de somnolenta – toate astea au dus la o stare de iritare generala. La pranz baietii au refuzat masa vreun sfert de ora, sfidand parca totul in jur, intr-o atitudine de jemansfis total.

Astfel ca ni s-a promis ca vom merge la munca si dupa-amiaza. Pana la urma nu am mai mers. Sarbu a propus sa dam vot de blam – penultima sanctiune prevazuta in statut inaintea excluderii – lui Duta in primul rand si inca catorva. Maine von avea Adunarea generala.

Dupa amiaza a fost mai linistita. S-a dormit in bloc. Dupa o bere si AMR ne vom culca din nou. S-a dat stingerea la ora zece. Acum este 10 si jumatate si scriu la lumina lanternei. Inca o scrisoare si ma culc. Muse si Alin scriu si ei.

Sper ca maine sa se potoleasca spiritele.

Inca o poanta: “La baie frig, la WC frig, in camera frig. Iti multumim, Doamne, pentru frigiderul gratis oferit”

Pana la urma m-am culcat la doua si jumatate. Am fost pana la maistrii de la Valcea impreuna cu Baciu’ si ne-au cinstit cu niste coniac (super!) dupa care ne-am dres cu un vin de Dragasani (beton!)

Ziua 16. Marti, 18.04.1984

O zi fara de rost.

Am fost dusi la sapat gropi. Dimensiuni: 5/2/2,30 – un fel de gropi comune. Am intrat cate sase la groapa si tocmai cand incepusem si noi sa obosim, dupa 2-3 lopeti de pamant, a venit si omu’ cu excavatoru’ si ne-a facut cat ai clipi toata treaba. Am mai tras la urma putin pentru a finisa peretii, dar nu se pune. Treaca de la noi.

Sarbu a plecat pentru cateva zile la Craiova. Cel putin asa zice el. Noi credem ca s-a dus acasa. Am aranjat cu el pana sa plece sa fim liberi de 1 Mai. Muncitoresc.

La intalnirea programata pentru azi am ramas cu buza umflata. Oricum am ajuns cu intarziere. Sa speram ca maine o sa iasa.

Muse si Dine au facut cinste cu cate o citronada, o prajitura si o inghetata dubla de fiecare. Sata a fost cina noastra.

La agatat nu am avut succes. Papagalu’ de Dine nu se baga, crede ca o sa-i pice vreun haram la picioare.

Era sa uit: azi am stabilit poreclele celor care nu aveau si care apar prin paginile de inceput.

Ziua 17. Miercuri, 19.04.1984

Am muncit in acelasi loc ca si acum doua zile cand a iesit scandal. Astazi a fost  insa o zi lejera.

Dupa amiaza baietii au jucat fotbal, au dormit, s-au autogospodarit, etc.

Eu am fost in oras. Dezamagire profunda: telefoanele nu se mai blocheaza, la sarbi nu am gasit nimic, la intalnire am intarziat din nou.

Dupa ce am vorbit acasa cu taxa inversa am intrat in cofetarie singur si am iesit cu trei tipe. Din cauza timpului inaintat am scapat repede de ele si am luat-o pe jos spre Halanga.

Cam atat…

Ziua 18. Joi, 19.04.1984

Am uitat sa va spun ca ieri ni s-a confirmat una din minciunile de acum trei saptamani: ni s-au schimbat asternuturile. E adevarat ca nu dupa doua saptamani, ci dupa 17 zile. Dar ne obisnuisem cu duhoarea lor.

Ziua a inceput rau.

In timp ce ne deplasam spre cantina pentru micul dejun pe Suva il ia gura pe dinainte: “ Unde dracu o fi grasu’ ala?”, iar Bibanu ii raspunde: “Cred ca e beat”. Asta in timp ce Grasu’, alias Umflatu’, respeciv maistrul Matei se afla chiar in spatele lor.

Asta a fost intriga.

Dimineata ni s-a servit o simpla bucata de margarina de 3*3*3, aprox. 30 cm cubi, o cana de ceai si un sfert de paine. Ghiftuiti si satui am plecat la sapat de gropi. Grasu’ ne-a intaratat zicand ca nu vom mai putea iesi in oras astazi. Din moment ce aceasta este singura placere ce ne-o mai putem permite, interdictia a picat cum nu se putea mai rau.

Bibanu i-a aruncat din greseala lui Grasu o lopata de pamant in cap si ala a crezut ca a fost cu intentie. Oricum, nu i-a aruncat si lopata, ci numai pamantul pe care-l luase in lopata. De fapt erau la trei metri adancime si nu aveau cum sa vada ce se intampla la suprafata.

Grupa cealalta cica a muncit la greu. Matei (ala chelu’) a venit a mine si mi-a spus sa-i evidentiez la “ modul cel mai exceptional” pe Grosu, pe Stanica si pe Nita. Uite ca am facut-o. Basta! Mama lor de gropari tocilari!

Inca una de la ei: l-au lasat pe Duta sa doarma intr-un sant atunci cand ei au plecat spre cantina. Pana la urma a venit si el la felul doi. Norocul lui ca nu s-au pisat pe el. Fraieri!

Inca o poanta, de la noi de data asta, Adi catre Suva « Esti mai urat ca limba rusa ». Dar mai destept, cu IQ-ul tau de 20.

Muse si Dinie au plecat in oras desi nu aveau voie. Sa vedem cum o sa iasa.

Ziua 19. Vineri, 20.04.1984

A iesit bine, nu s-a ginit nimeni.

Cateva intamplari retro :

In ziua a cincea va spuneam ca ne-am limbat cu niste trasuri-taxi. Una dintre ele avea ca mjloc de locomotie un cal pe nume Bruce Lee.

Din injuraturile noi: “Pofta buna”, “Noapte buna” si cea mai dureroasa “Brigadierule”.

Adi a scos o formula pe care o folosim tot timpul: “Baga-i, ba, mintile-n cap si lopata-n pamant” pe care o folosim ca pe o deviza, iar Muse a ilustrat printr-un cuvant, care a devenit repede popular, tot ceea ce ne impresioneaza sau ne uimeste: “Meserie!”

In timp ce se certa cu Sarbu, un maistru de la Valcea, pe nume Ciobanu, a inceput sa strige: “Auzi, chiar daca sunt urat, sa stii ca sunt destept! Ce vina am eu ca mama m-a facut urat?”

Acum cateva clipe Bibanu l-a ciupit de sunci pe Sergiu. Replica lui: “Ciupeste-l ba si pe Logi… de oase!”

Sa revenim.

Zi ploioasa.

Cand am ajuns la munca, pe la sapte jumate, a inceput sa ploua. Am astepat o vreme si pana la urma, pe la opt jumate, ne-am intors la baraci.

Eu mi-am aranjat plecarea acasa.

Am plecat impreuna cu Uricanu’, care s-a scos definitiv pe motiv de “astenie nervoasa”, si cu tatal lui Capra. Pe la ora 14 paraseam Drobeta si la noua seara am ajuns in Ploiesti. Am stat acasa pana luni.

Intre timp baietii s-au odihnit, s-au distrat si s-au cinstit.

Ziua 20. Sambata, 21.04.1984

Azi e Pastele.

Dimineata s-a muncit lejer. Pe la 12 baietii s-au intors la baraca si s-au apucat de chef.

Dupa o “introducere” la camera 41 in compania catorva lazi de bere si cartuse de tigari au plecat la inviere pe la unspe seara. Ceaca ii da o tarca lui Garla in timpul ceremoniei, astfel ca sunt nevoiti sa plece cu totii din biserica de gura babelor evlavioase. In drum spre casa Dine a dat la boboci.

Era sa uit: inainte de plecarea la biserica Luca, convins de lama unui cutit si de oftica din jur a fost nevoit sa danseze din buric.

La biserica Suva a incasat cativa pumni, ceea ce l-a mai trezi putin din mahmureala.

Berela a avut o surpriza. A venit ma-sa neanuntata si l-a prins fumand. Era ora patru dimineata. A urmat o repriza prelungita de morala si palme indurate cu stoicism.

Ziua 21. Duminica, 22.04.1984

Zi de refacere.

Dupa ce s-au sculat baietii au ramas linistiti in camere si au asteptat transmiterea etapei de fotbal. Suparare mare : Petrolul a luat bataie cu 4-2 de la Corvinul.

Muse, Tase si Baciu au avut intalniri cu niste fetite (pe naiba « fetite » !) de pe-aici.

Seara a avut loc un bal in Halanga. Cativa au fost la bal si apoi, cand s-au intors, s-au culcat. Dine a fost calcat in picioare in timp ce se executa o hora locala.

Sile a fost iarasi un izvor de buna-dispozitie pentru camera 23.

Ziua 22. Luni, 23.04.1984

Zi de chiul in masa.

Baietii au dormit in gropi si apoi s-au culcat in camere.

Astazi m-am intors si eu. Nimic deosebit.

I-am sarbatorit pe maistrii (Sf. Gheorghe). Am baut si ne-am distrat.

Muse, suva si Tase au avut intalniri romantioase si s-au intors pe la zece seara.

M-am culcat pe la doua noaptea dupa ce in prealabil le-am povestit lui Muse si lui Alin ispravile din timpul voiajului de la Ploiesti.

Ziua 23. Marti, 24.04.1984

Dimineata a plouat tot timpul asa ca pe la unspe ne-am intors la cabana. Eu si cu Muse am scapat de munca pe motiv ca ne ducem sa reparam si sa inlocuim lopetile, cazmalele sau tarnacoapele bulite sau rupte de-atata efort. Am ezolvat-o repede: am plecat cu vreo7-8 unelte, le-am lasat in baraca celeilalte grupe si apoi am tras un pui de somn sanatos sub cerul liber.

Dupa-amiaza am iesit in oras impreuna cu Muse si Tase. Ceilalti s-au odihnit

Dpa ce am reusit sa blochez telefonul, desi nu a tinut mult a fost totusi un succes, am vorbit cu ai mei cu taxa inversa.

Lui Muse i s-a pus pata si a trimis-o pe fetita lui inapoi la Halanga. Ii era cam tarsa sa se plimbe cu ea prin oras. Daca-l vedea cineva?!

Dupa aceea ne-am legat de niste turisti straini – finlandezi – si Muse a facut prostia sa injure doua gagici ce se indreptau spre autocar. Cand ne-am dat seama ca una din ele era translatoarea grupului ne-am tirat rapid.

Am intrat apoi in cofetarie unde ne-am distrat copios pe seama tipelor ce intrau sau ieseau. La un moment Muse vrea sa-mi arate o taranca borata si zice: “Uita-te ba o tipa misto!”. Eu insa m-am uitat la o alta masa la care chiar era o tipa “beton” , pe care insa Muse nu o putea observa din locul sau. Ne-am certat vreo cinci minut: eu ca-i faina, el ca e nasoala. Pana la urma ne-am dat seama de confuzie si am iesti razand in lacrimi din cofetarie.

Am luat masina de sase jumate, ocazie cu care am agatat o tipa din Dudasi, un satuc de pe langa Halanga. Cand am ajuns in Halanga am fost la masa si apoi Muse s-a dus la intalnire in locul meu.

Liviu si-a batut joc de tipa pe care o agatase, pe nume Dora, iar Tase se pregateste sa iasa la o plimbare sub clar de luna  in noaptea asta pe la ora unu.

Eu am dormit intre 8.30 si 11.30, asa ca acum, la 12.30 stau si astept sa plece astia.

Ceilalti baieti au fost mai putin consemnati in cele de fata pentru simplul motiv ca nu prea au iesit in evidenta cu ceva notoriu. Dar mai au timp…

Astazi se zvonise ca am putea petrece zilele de 1 si 2 Mai (Ziua Muncii si Ziua Tineretului) la Ploiesti sub forma unei excursii organizate. Ar fi perfect. Sa asteptam.

Ziua 24. Miercuri, 25.04.1984

Zi de sperante.

Dimineata am fost numit seful unei grupe de 24 de oameni. La munca a trebuit sa ne agitam cat de cat. Un dobitoc de inginer statea pe langa noi si ne pazea. Cand ne era lumea mai draga si luam o mica pauza aparea si el si trebuia sa punem mana pe lopeti.

Dupa-amiaza a fost si relaxanta si enervanta in acelasi timp. Ne facem cu totii planuri despre cum o sa petrecem la Ploiesti daca o sa ni se implineasca sperantele. Am jucat sah, table tintar, am ascultat muzica, am urmarit meciul Dinamo-Liverpool. Am fost niste ingerasi.

Ne facem si planuri: sa plecam in trei serii: prima intre 29 si intai, a doua intre intai si trei mai, a treia intre cinci si sapte mai.

Sile a decretat ca in prima serie merge personalul TESA.

Ziua 25. Joi, 26.04.1984

Sperante desarte. Nu vom putea pleca si nu ni se aproba nici o varianta. Vom ramane ca idiotii la capatl lumii si al civilizatiei. Vestea am aflat-o pe la unspe jumate. A fost doliu general. Toate sperantele si planurile noastre naruite. Cred ca le-a fost teama ca nu se mai intoarce nimeni.

Dupa masa baietii au iesit in oras. Cei care am ramas am fost chemati sa facem galerie cu ocazia meciului dintre echipele locale, Uzina si Cenusa. Cenusa e oarecum echipa noastra. Am castigat cu trei la unu.

Seara am scris. Impreuna cu Bibanu i-am scris Danei Candea, o colga traznet de-a noastra. Tot azi i-am scris si Andei o scrisoare de adio si lui Sorin.

Ne-am culcat pe la doua noaptea intr-o dezamagire totala.

Ziua 26. Vineri, 27.04.1984

Dimineata baietii au tras tare primele trei ore si apoi am frecat-o pana la 12 cand am plecat la masa, apoi ne-am retras la baraca pentru odihna.

N-am fost decat vreo 4-5 in oras.

Dup ace am dat telefon acasa am aranjat cate ceva prin targul sarbesc si apoi mi-am aranjat viitoarele intalniri, cu trei fatuci deosebite, in trei locuri diferite si in zile diferite. Am ce face saptamana viitoare.

La baraca am incheiat afacerea cu excursia pe Dunare pe care urmeaza sa o facem de Intai Mai.

Am iesit cu Logi, Dine, Ceaca si Piticu pe camp si ne-am certat tot timpul.

Muse a primit o telegrama ce-l anunta de moartea bunicii sale. Sarbu nu-l lasa deocamdata sa plece acasa.

Se apropie zilele de sarbatori oficiale.

Ziua 27. Sambata, 28.04.1984

Confirmarea sperantelor.

Azi a fost o zi de munca model. S-a tras ca niciodata. Aceasta va conta in pontarea noastra.

Muse a reusit sa plece acasa. Si-asa o freca pe-aici.

Dupa masa de pranz Sarbu ne-a adunat la iarba verde, bine, aproape verde, hai, cenusie, si a inceput sa ne intrebe ba de una, ba de alta, pana cand, dupa o lunga introducere ne zice: “Care dintre voi are probleme deosebite acasa?” S-au ridicat vreo cinci. La insistente s-au mai ridicat inca cinci. Am fost intrebati daca suntem de acord ca acestia sa plece acasa pe neve. Toata lumea a aprobat. Ceilalti pana la 21 au fost pusi pe lista de rezerve.

Ne-am intors la baraca si cei zece au inceput pregatirile de plecare. Unii au luat trenul de doua, altii pe cel de cinci si ultimii pe cel de 1 noaptea.

Am plecat si eu in oras cu Suva si Tase. Dupa ce am intrat la Ada Kaleh si ne-am ospatat pe gratis ne-am intalnit cu « fericitii », ne-am luat ramas bun si ne-am intors la baraca.

Vazand ca nu prea a mai amas nimeni rin zona, din cei mai de gasca, m-am hotarat sa plec si eu. L-am chemat pe Sarbu in camera, i-am spus hotararea mea, i-am bagat pastila ca vorbisem cu directorul Micu, i-am dat o sticla de Soplica si, in fine, la ora 1 eram in gara asteptand trenul care a intarziat circa o ora.

Ziua 28. Duminica, 29.04.1984

Impreuna cu ceilalti am ajuns in Ploiesti pe la 11.

A fost o escapada de pomina. Seara ne-am intalnit la Bulevard si am facut-o lata. Dsigur ca toti eram imbaiati, aranjati si ferchezuiti de nici nu ziceai ca ieri fusesem in groapa. Numai daca priveai de aproape observai ochii incercanati, mainile batatorite si tenul ceva mai tuciuriu.

Ziua 29. Luni, 30.04.1984

Dimineata ne-am intalnit la agentie pentru a ne lua bilete, insa totul s-a amanat pana seara la ora cinci cand ne puteau spune daca mai au sau nu locuri pentru un bilet de calatorie in grup.

Dupa aceea am fost pe la scoala unde am stat de vorba cu directorii Comaniciu si Ducesa (d-na Duca) si cu Piedone, dirigintele nostru. Erau cu totii foarte entuziasmati de efortul nostru.

Seara ne-am intalnit la agentie si am rezolvat problema biletului comun. Apoi, impreuna cu Sergiu, Bibi, Dine si Dan G am fost la un ceai la Sorin. In lipsa de ceai am dat-o pe alcoale.

Unu’mai tare ca altul.

Ziua 30. Marti, 01.05.1984

Am continuat-o pana pe la cinci dimineata la mine acasa, dupa care ne-am culcat, ne-am sculat pe la zece si am reinceput petrecerea.

Tot azi m-am certat si cu Anda. Deocamdata ne-am despartit. Nu stiu ce naiba urmareste.

In jur de cinci jumate am plecat la gara, mi-am lasat bagajul si apoi am dat o fuga pana la Bulevard unde nu am mai dat decat de Sergiu.

Pe la opt ne-am intalnit la gara mai multi, am hotarat sa plecam cu zece si-un sfert, si-au lasat cu totii bagajele si ne-am intors la Bulevard unde am facut-o iarasi lata.

Pe la noua jumate am pornit cu alai spre gara, cantand pentru a ne alunga tristetea.

Am ajuns la Bucale pe la unspe si am luat legatura spre Drobeta la ora 11.40. Mai tot drumul am dormit.

Ziua 31. Miercuri, 02.05.1984

Am ajuns la Drobeta pe la patru jumate in zori, iar la baraca pe la sapte. Ne-am culcat din nou, ne-am trezit pentru micul dejun, iarasi ne-am culcat, iar pe la sapte seara am inceput sa facem ceva curatenie prin camere. Acum asteptam sa ne vina iarasi somnul.

Ziua 32. Joi, 03.05.1984

La munca a fost mai greu deoarece au cam venit toti sefii prin sectorul in care lucram si ca urmare trebuia sa ne agitam si noi cat de cat.

Dupa-amiaza cei care au avut proasta inspiratie sa ramana in tabara au fost luati cu japca si dusi la munca. Cei care eram deja plecati in oras am scapat.

In afara de faptul ca ne-am mai certat cu sarbii si ca am cumparat ultima sticla de Soplica, altceva nimic deosebit prin oras.

Seara am fost cu Dine, Ceaca, Bibi si Logi sa cautam locul unde o sa venim cu tipele care vor sosi de la Ploiesti pe data de 5 mai.

La intoarcere ne-am hotarat sa-l sarbatorim pe Ceaca, implineste maine 17 ani. Am inceput pe la noua seara, dar elanul ne-a fost repede stins de catre comandantul adjunct Janosh (Janos sau Janosz) pe la ora zece. In aceasta prima repriza s-a apucat Bibanu de fumat.

Dupa ce am inceput sa redactez o scrisoare (catre C.M.M.) si ajunsesesm pe la jumatate, am adormit pana pe la ora 0.30 cand…

Ziua 33. Vineri, 04.05.1984

…baietii au venit la noi in camera intr-o liniste asurzitoare. Am pus-o in stil mare: sampania curgea pe jos, Ceaca si Berela se spalau pe cap cu Soplica, Mus fuma in somn, etc.

Somnul pierdut noaptea l-am recuperat ziua la munca. Am dormit de ne-am spetit.

Dupa-amiaza am fost foarte putini in oras. Majoritatea na avut voie pe motiv de munca patriotica: vopsit gardu’, spalat WC…

Intalnirea pe care trebuia sa o am astazi cu o drobetanca a fost exacta. Dar scurta, din motive obiective??????????????. In cofetarie am mai agatat o tipa cu care ma voi intalni duminica. Cu cea dintai ma voi mai intalni luni. Amandoua sunt ca niste papusele.

Dupa ce am servit masa in camera (supa, ceai, conserve) ne-am vazut fiecare de ale lui: eu de jurnal, Muse de poker, Alin de palavre.

Ziua 34. Sambata, 05.05.1984

Azi am tras chiulul. Impreuna cu alti noua am fost trimisi la plantat de puieti si amenajat curtea interioara, plus spalaul terenului de fotbal. Pe la unspe eram deja gata si ne-am odihnit pana au venit ceilalti.

Peste pranz am sarit pentru ca am plecat in oras si ne-am dus la baia comunala. In sfarsit curati am plecat spre gara pentru a-i intampina pe colegii si colegele noastre care veneau de la Ploiesti ca sa ne viziteze. Pe langa doi profesori, indrumatoarea UTC Staneasca si profu’ de fizica Mandrutiu, au mai sosit: Madi Calin, Simona Munteanu, Dana Beschea, Radulscu Ruxandra – Lake, Mirela Matache, Anda Butnaru, Mihaela Guta, Virgil Grigorescu (care va ramane la noi, era rezerva), Lili Petre, Iulia Marcuseanu, Nicki, Mihai, State si altii.

I-am plimbat prin oras pana i-am obosit, i-am dus prin targ, la cofetarie si apoi in statie. Cu chiu cu vai ne-am bulucit in autobuz si  am ajuns in cele din urma la tabara. Cativa au pierdut rata asa ca au luat-o pe jos.

La intrare in tabara i-am pus sa se stearga pe picioare ca sa nu ne altereze jegul local. Au facut cunostinta cu farmecul vietii de santier din primele clipe. A fost un calvar pentru ei timpul petrecut aici. Cum au ajuns s-au apucat sa manance. Pentru ca i-am ajutat si noi li s-au usurat bagajele in mod simtitor.

Desi aranjasem o camera special pentru o mini-discoteca, aceasta s-a dovedit neinacapatoare, asa ca am continuat-o si pe hol.

Fetelor le-am pus la dispozitie trei camere, iar tovarasei Stanescu camera 40, dupa ce mi-am scos eu patul de acolo.

Superstitiile au inceput din clipa in care perechi-perechi dispareau din baraca. A iesit primul scandal. Dupa ce s-a mai potolit am continuat distractia.

Ziua 35. Duminica, 06.05.1984

Pe la unu jumate, mai de voie, mai de nevoie, ne indreptam cu totii spre dormitoare. Dupa ce s-au facut toate aranjamentele si combinatiile cu fetele venite foiala si agitatia de pe culoar s-au mai potolit.

In afara de camerele 40 si 26 unde stateau tipele de la C (Anda, Mirela, Daniela Oancea si sora-sa, Alexandrina Barbuceanu si Valerica Barac) celelalte camere de fete erau completate corespunzator si cu baieti. La 26 s-a impotrivit Barbuceanca. Ca urmare m-am instalat la 29.

Pe la cinci dimineata a venit in razie Staneasca insotita de maistrii, care erau tare suparati pentru ca ii incuiase cineva in camera. Mucles, Cicanu fusese cu ideea!

Cand i-am auzit si la noi la usa eu si cu Baciu am iesit pe fereastra, pe pervaz. Ceilalti s-au bagat sub pat dar au fost repede giniti. Ghinionul a fost ca Baciu nu a mai rezistat sa se tina si a cazut in niste cioburi facand ceva zgomot. Auzind ca vine cineva spre fereastra m-am aruncat si eu, cu spatele insa si in intuneric. Am aterizat in picioarele goale, pe calcaie, direct pe ciment. Pe moment nu am simtit durerea, dar in urmatoarele ore déjà nu mai putea sa pun nici un picior in pamant.

Dupa ce am petrecut ceva timp la niste argeseni in camera (ei stau la parter) si mi-am facut rost de niste tenesi si-un tricou am incerat sa ajung la etaj. Pana la urma am intrat prin forta, m-am oprit in dreptul primei usi, am impins, am deschis-o, am inchis-o la loc si m-am culcat.

Cand m-am sculat excursionisti se pregateau deja de plecare, iar cadrele didactice erau sucarite de ceea ce se intamplase noaptea. Cativa de-ai nostri i-au condus la gara iar ceilalti ne-am odihnit.

Dupa-amiaza m-am sculat pe la doua jumate si mi-am amintit brusc ca la trei am o intalnire in fata Liceului Agricol cu o pustoaica buna-rau. M-am imbracat si m-am barbierit pe rapid si am ajuns in timp util. Eram asteptat. Impreuna cu Muse si cu Nina am colindat orasul pana seara: prin targul sarbesc, pe la cofetarie, si-apoi doar in doi pe malul Dunarii si prin parc. Mozoale, la greu. Mi se umflasera fuduliile de numa-numa.

Pe drum, ironia soartei, dam nas in nas cu tipa cu care aveam intalnire maine. Cred ca pica…

Dupa ce am scapat de Nina am mai pierdut timpul pana la miezul noptii si apoi ne-am culcat.

Ziua 36. Luni, 07.05.1984

Am scapat de munca din cauza piciorului stang care se umflase, fraierul de mine in loc sa stau linistit ieri m–am fortat ca un idiot, si nu prea puteam merge decat sarind sau tarandu-ma.

De planton a fost Virgil. Am mancat amandoi ca niste sparti ce am gasit prin camere si am juca carti pana a venit gasca. I-a intarziat Dine pentru ca a trebuit sa dea o declaratie privind faptul ca Cicanu i-a inchis pe maistrii.

Majoritatea s-a culcat, mai putin pokeristii. Am intrat si eu la o masa cu Capra, Voinic, schimbat apoi cu Virgil, dupa ce si-a terminat banii, si Bibanu, schimbat cu Adi. N-am pierdut decat 5 lei fata de altii care au ramas faliti.

Ziua 37. Marti, 08.05.1984

M-am sculat si m-am imbracat de munca, cu ideea totusi de a nu ma duce. Sarbu, care s-a intors azi-dimineata si nu stia care e smecheria, nu m-a crezut ca nu pot sa merg. Asa ca pana la unspe cand m-am intors la baraca m-am tot plimbat pe santier de colo-colo.

Dupa ce am mancat cu Logi, care era de planton, ne-am asezat la un joc mic si apoi am trecut la septica. Dupa o scurta munca patriotica unii au plecat in oras, altii la fotbal. Eu m-am dus la intalnire cu Nina de la Liceul Agricol.

Pe la 12 noaptea ne-am culcat. Mor de somn.

Ziua 38. Miercuri, 09.05.1984

Toate zilele incep sa se asemene. S-ar putea ca taman peste 17 zile sa ne “eliberam”. Ar fi durere. Dimineata la camntina a trebuit sa bem ceaiul cu canile cu care bausera altii inainte.

Seara am avut proiectie de film: Punga cu libelule – productie RSR 1980.

Trebuie sa ne apucam de jurnalul oficial, de procese-verbale, de planuri de activitate, etc.

Azi-napte s-a jucat poker la Sarbu in camera pana la trei noaptea. Participanti: Sarbu, Matei, Grasu’, Tibi si Nita, ultimii doi au pierdut tot ce aveau. Sarbu nu a mai jucat in camera la Tibi pentru ca dimineata Berela i-a reprosat.

Ziua 39. Joi, 10.05.1984

Astazi a plouat, asa ca am fost liberi.

Era sa luam o plasa…! Cand am fost sculati afara ploua, asa ca ni s-a spus ca nu o sa iesim. Cand am plecat spre cantina ploaia s-a oprit. Dezamagire maxima!

Insa in timpul micului dejun a inceput o rapaiala de ziceai ca s-a spart teava Dunarii. Uzi pana la piele am ajuns la baraca unde ne-am continuat somnul. Pe la zece ploaia a stat dar tot nu am fost scosi la munca.

Pe la 12 se da verdictul: Coboati in 10 minute in salopete! Ne-am conformat si am pornit spre cantina, am mancat si apoi am iesit si ne-am aliniat pentru ‘Nainte, mars! Doar ca ne aliniaseram spre dirctia dormitoare. Sarbu, derutat, a ordona un Stanga’mprejur. Dupa ce l-am executat, induiosat probabil de mutrele noastre a mai dat un Stanga’mprejur s apoi un Liber, dupa ce l-am asigurat ca o sa facem curatenie si o sa spalam WC-urile. Pe naiba!

Impreuna cu Muse am fost in oras si am facut baie. Am fost singurii. Am vorbit cu ai mei la telefon si le-am spus ce sa-mi trimita prin parintii lui Voinic. Apoi ne-am intalnit cu Sile si Voinic care erau uzi leoarca. Venisera cu caruta, pe ploaie.

Seara ne-am culcat devreme.

Ziua 40. Vineri, 11.05.1984

Astazi Sarbu ne-a lasat liberi fiindca a venit nevasta-sa.

Dupa ce am fost pana la cantina a trebuit sa mergem sa luam sculele, le-am adus la baraca pe cee stricate si apoi am fost dusi langa Liceul Agricol la sapat santuri, vreo 7-8 kilometri. Dar s-a cam tras chiulul.

Seara s-a jucat septica pe porunci. Cum ar fi: mersul cu nasul pe tavan sau doi oameni intr-un pantalon, recitare de poezii, colectionare de lamai, dulceata, conserve si altele, mersul in carca celuilalt, baut de apa – 3 litri la doi oameni, etc Distractie mare!

Ziua 41. Sambata, 12.05.1984

Dimineata a plouat, pana pe la pranz. Nu m-am sculat pentru cantina. Am dormit.

Am fost cu Dine la dispensar, dar nu am reusit sa facem rost de scutiri. Cativa dintre noi au plecat, pe sustache, la Ploiesti, insa i-a depistat comandantul Molnar.

Dupa-amiaza am fost majoritatea in oras. Am asteptat, dupa o vizita oficiala la terasa “Marinarul”, sa vina baietii la discoteca, dar… degeaba. Autobuzul n-a circulat, asa ca am luat-o pe jos spre Halanga, unde am ajuns pe la unspe noaptea, mort de obosela, foame si sete. Baietii erau deja spre finalul chefului: Turbatu’ si-a sarbatorit majoratul. Nu prea am mai gasit nimic de infruptat. Am adormit imediat. Desigur, dupa ce am mancat resturile.

Ziua 42. Duminica, 13.05.1984

Zi de somn. Nici sa mancam nu am mai fost, limitandu-ne la ceea ce am putut prepara in camera. Dupa-amiaza, din nou in oras. In statie, asteptand autobuzul, am juat telefonul nebunilor. La un moment dat apare o tipa cu parul prins intr-un coc enorm.

Sergiu: Nu va suparati, de unde ati cumparat palaria asta?

Virgil: Taci, ba, nu vezi ca e o umbrela!

Faza nr. 2: La trecerea unei patrule cei 4 s-au aliniat in spatele acesteia, urmand-o o buna bucata de drum, pana s-a oprit. Moment in care au rupt simultan si spontan randurile.

La baraca am inceput sa depanam amintiri de-acasa. Seara cativa muncitori beti s-au luat de unii baieti. Nu a iesit cu oase rupte, dar totusi… Lumea s-a baricadat in camere.

Ziua 43. Luni, 14.05.1984

Grupele nu s-au schimbat, a mea a ramas tot langa Liceul Agricol. Azi-dimineata a venit Plesuvu’ de la Ploiesti si Muse de la Craiova.

Eu am ramas in camera. Di cauza durerii care persista m-am dus la dispensar, unde doctorita mi-a dat trimitere catre policlinica (ortopedie, radiografie, neurologie).

Pe la opt seara vine Sarbu furios nevoie-mare si ne cheama pe mine si pe Muse la el in camera. Cei din camerele alaturate s-au lipit imediat de perete ca sa asculte. Dupa ce l-a facut pe Muse omleta cu ou si cu otet a trecut la mine. A fost un spectacol gratuit si amuzant pentru cei ce ascultau.

Pe la unu noaptea Muse s-a apucat de scrisori

Ziua 44. Marti, 15.05.1984

Azi a fost o zi cu soare. Baietii de langa liceu au facut plaja. Ceilati au facut gropi.

Am reusit sa-mi fac radiografia. Acum astept (pana maine) rezultatul.

Ajuns acasa am iesit cu Logi pe deal.

Seara obisnuita, fara incidente.

E ora 12 si cred ca ne vom culca.

Ziua 45. Miercuri, 16.05.1984

Zi de incordare.

Baietii au muncit pana pe la unu-doua.

Am luat radiografiile. Diagnostic : fisura la calcaneul stang. Recomandari: Repaus la pat sapte zile, cu comprese reci si evitarea mersului si ortostatismului timp de 21 de zile. Plus scutire de practica. Pacat ca mai sunt doar 10 zile.

Dupa ce-am trecut prin targ m-am indreptat apid spre Halanga. Durerile revin dramatic.

Molnar a aflat ca Sarbu a plecat la Ploiesti. Ca sa-l scoatem, am maturat si trasat terenul de fotbal. Dupa aceea ne-am chinuit sa gasim o solutie pentru a-l chema de la Ploiesti. Posibilitatile au cazut rapid: cheile de la comandament nu le-am gasit, prin centrala nu am reusit sa sunam, plus ca nu gaseam un numar de telefon valabil.

Pe la opt jumate a plecat Umflatu’ in oras si s-a intors cu un rezultat aproximativ pozitiv.

Am asteptat…

Ziua 46. Joi, 17.05.1984

…si Sarbu a aparut.

La prima ora din zi (ziua de munca) m-a convocat la o sapuneala urgenta si furioasa provocata de faptul ca maistrii erau inchisi in camera (iarasi!) cand a venit el. Misiunea mea e sa aflu cine-a fost faptasul. De-acum ii zicem Scarbu. Pen’ca e o scarba de om: oportunist si cacacios.

Dupa ce-au venit baietii de la munca Scarbu ne-a scos afara in careu si ne-a facut din nou scandal. Pe scurt: cine i-a inchis pe maistrii, muncim dupa-amiaza, cine a spart chiuveta, cum ca eu trebuie sa plec acasa, etc. Pana la urma spiritele s-au calmat: nu muncim, Muse a spart chiuveta, eu nu mai plec acasa…

Seara am vrut sa merg cu Dine la camin la Agricol dar s-a luat pedagoga de noi, paznicul de fete, inca un prof de noi si tot asa. Parc-ar fi fete mari la manastire. Pardon, asta-i un paradox. Sau oximoron.

Noaptea, iarasi poker.

Ziua 47. Vineri, 18.05.1984

Am ramas de planton.

Alin a aflat ca are apendicita acuta si trebuie sa plece acasa. Dupa-masa am fost scosi la munca patriotica. Seara am jucat vreo patru ore rent. De poker nici nu mai are rost sa tot amintesc, face parte din rutina.

Plictiseala e la cote maxime. De maine incepe AMR 10 – The Final Countdown.

Ziua 48. Sambata, 19.05.1984

Dimineata, dupa micul dejun, am plecat la munca. Eu si Sergiu ne-am oferit voluntari (ce-o fi fost in capu’ nostru sec?!) sa descoperim o conducta. Mai tarziu ni s-a alaturat si Bibanu’. S-a muncit pana la zece si jumatate dupa care s-a impus, in mod necesar, o pauza obiectiva – care a durat pana la plecarea catre cantina.

Dupa masa majoritatea a plecat in oras. Dupa ce m-am oprit, ca de obicei, in targul sarbesc, am plecat spre “Marinarul” si mai apoi la “Parc”. La intoarcere ne-am pregatit de discoteca. O dadeau cei din Valcea, in cantina. Acum venisera tipele lor.

Ne-am distrat “de minune”: dansuri, dansatoare…, muzica poasta, scurt-circuite, statie si boxe rablagite, dume si balarii. Toate pana a venit muzica noastra. Tipele nu si-au tradat insa compatriotii.

Ziua 49. Duminica, 20.05.1984

Ajungand acasa ne-am pus pe golit sticle. Pe la 2-3 ne-am culcat.

A urmat o zi de relache. Ne-am sculat (de-a binelea) pe la pranz.

Am descoperit un “basin” de inot super (groapa ordinara umpluta de ploi). Am bagat un polo, ne-am distrat, ne-am bronzat.

La baraci dupa o seara normala a urmat o noapte aidoma.

Ziua 50. Luni, 21.05.1984

Excelent! Cineva acolo sus ne iubeste. Dimineata a plouat pana pe la zece. In rest, program fix: cantina, oras, baraca.

Seara, campionat de skandenberg. Oaptea am stat cu Sergiu si cu Muse si am scris. Ne-a intrerupt Nea Matei de vreo doua ori pentru spovediri.

Ziua 51. Marti, 22.05.1984

Dimineata – munca lejera. Dupa-amiaza – munca patriotica si activitate scriptica. Seara – plictiseala.

Eu am fost cu Sarbu in oras, ca sa aranjam intoarcerea acasa. S-a stabilit: plecam marti, pe 29, la ora 14.

Noaptea am stat iarasi pana pe la doua ca sa ne scriem ultimele epistole.

Nebunul de Oprescu a inceput sa se manifeste: pune pasta de dinti pe clante, magiun in cizme, apa in pat…

Orele fiind inaintate, ma culc. Noapte buna!

Ziua 52. Miercuri, 23.05.1984

Astazi s-a tras. Am primit norma personala. Cu toate astea, in jur de 12.30 am terminat.

Incepem sa ne pregatim de lichidare. Am predat paturile, am facut curatenie in camere. Cred ca dupa noi vin alti fraieri.

Eu am iesit in oras.Trebuia sa pun un pachet pentru acasa, chestii din targ. Coletul l-am invelit intr-o juma de cearsaf. “Imprumutat” de la altii. Cealalta jumatate e la Muse.

Ziua 53. Joi, 24.05.1984

Iarasi munca. Asa, ca de adio. Si totusi la 12.30 eram la cantina.

Dupa masa am maturat terenul de fotbal. Maine il vom tusa.

Noaptea a fost de pomina: Muse fuma in somn, Luca a fost ras pe piciorul drept, Garbea a “primit” un tub de pasta in cap.

Pe la doua maistrii au impus program de liniste.

Ziua 54. Vineri, 25.05.1984

Se anunta ca ar fi ultima zi de munca. Pe la zece jumate eram deja inapoi la dormitoare. Dupa-amiaza am tusat terenul.

Am aflat ca vom primi banii tocmai luni. Iar sambata, duminica, luni si marti vom sta degeaba.

Nopatea au urmat alte distractii. Logi si Sergiu joaca table. E ora 4 si ei inca joaca. Eu scriu, liviu a fost in colonie. Si tot asa… Fiecare o freaca cum poate.

Ziua 55. Sambata, 26.05.1984

Dimineata, cu totii la munca in tinuta lejera. Adica fara salopetele alea imputite de transpiratie si praf. Revenim la baraca pentru a lua sculele si echipamentul ce trebuie predate. Pe la 10 scapam de ele fara nici o lipsa si nici un regret. Ba, dimpotriva, cu scule in plus.

Sedinta ad-hoc: fiecare isi da calificativul pe care crede ca il merita, intre satisfacator si FB. Se da citire sumelor de bani pe care le vom primi, conform pontajelor, undeva intre 175 si 250 de lei. Nu e rau, ne-ajunge de-o masa la Bulevard cand ajungem acasa.

Era sa uit: dimineata Luca ne-a distrat facand poante, dansand, spunand glume

AM TERMINAT CU MUNCA

Azi iesim in oras. Program liber

Maine iesim in oras. Program liber.

Poimaine, la fel…

Raspoimaine: ACASA

Cine a avut bani s-a dus in oras. Cine nu, a ramas la baraca.

Ziua 56. Duminica, 27.05.1984

Ne-am sculat mai tarziu ca de obicei. Cativa am plecat in oras. Am fost in targ, am urmait un concurs de motociclete, am dat telefoane.

Totusi ne-am intors pentru masa de pranz. Nu mai vin pachete de-acasa.

Dupa care am fost la plaja. S-a jucat iarasi polo.

Seara si noaptea, entuziasmul in scadere

Ziua 57. Luni, 28.05.1984

Azi s-au cam servit toate mesele de catre toti. A dat foamea in noi. Dimineata am facut curatenie in camere, pe hol, in baraca, la WC, la baie.

Ne-am facut valizele.

Un incident ne-a stricat buna-dispozitie: Cioc, dupa ce copiaza de la mine din jurnal “Ruga…” se apuca sa scrie pe o foaie poreclele tuturor. Scarbu ii ia foaia si se supara foc.

Ii rupe carnetul de brigadier si continua seria masurilor “radicale” luandu-ma pe mine la tavaleala.Eu ma usurez pe Cioc. Care se porneste pe mine. Inchei iesindu-mi din tatani si dand cu el de pereti.

Scarbu il trimite pe Luca la comandant ca sa semneze si sa puna stampila pe arnetul meu si al lui Cioc cu calificativul Satisfacator.

Vad negru in fata ochilor dar ma calmez si-i dau jurnalul sa-l citeasca pentru a vedea ca nu l-am poreclit. Face scandal din cauza zilei 38 (cand juca poker cu baietii) si, pana la urma, rupe carnetul si mi-l inapoiaza pe cel cu FB. M-am mai calmat. Pana la urma s-a calmat si el. O sa-i faca si lui Cioc alt carnet, maine.

Nu prea s-a iesit in oras din lipsa de bani. Ni s-a promis ca ii vom primi azi. Ciu-ciu!

Seara, alta pacaleala. Anunt: mare spectacol de comedie pe stadion. Cativa au crezut si s-au dus. Surpriza era ca spectacolul n era gratuit, dupa cu se intelesese initial. S-au intors cu buza umflata dupa ce au facut drumul dus-intors si pe jos.

Ziua 58. Marti, 29.05.1984

AM PLECAT ACASA

Daca-ti spune cineva ca esti frumos/oasa chiar inseamna ca esti?

Daca nu-ti spune cineva ca esti prost/asta chiar inseamna ca nu esti?

Uite ca nu vreau sa ma alatur turmei de ovatii si ploconeli iscate de nominalizarea lui 432 la premiile mondiale si galactice. Mai e putin si papa il va declara divin!

Rahat!

Nu e chiar cel mai prost film pe care l-am vazut, fiind net superior celor “Trei frati de belea” sau chiar lui Borat, dar sa fim seriosi!

Un 3 cu indulgenta pe imdb.

Putem vorbi de valoare in cazul “Filantropica” sau “Moartea domnului Lazarescu”. Dar in nici un caz pentru “A fost sau n-a fost”. Excelent pentru “California dreamin’” chiar asa nesfarsit cum este, desi nu pare!

Dar de unde pana unde extraordinar pentru 432?

Inteleg motivatia politica internationala gen “intrarea Romaniei in UE” sau “ultima bariera in fata vanturilor ruse”, motivatie care a mai functionat acum cativa ani pentru “Tigru si dragon” rasplatit nemeritat, pe alte considerente insa: “China – noua putere economica mondiala” sau “daca un miliard (de oameni) tace, miliarde (de dolari) vom face!”

Stiu ca voi fi blamat, dar nu pot sa tac!

Una din smecheriile prin care s-a lansat acest ciung-metraj a fost aparitia sa pe internet, moment in care cunoscatorii si l-au downloadat, surprinsi fiind insa sa constate ca sub denumirea de “4 luni 3 saptamani si 2 zile” au descarcat de fapt filmul romanesc “enigma”.

Cam la fel de murdar cum ar fi daca eu as proceda ca sa lansez acest blog scriind in cadrul unui articol cuvinte precum: sex, porno, jocuri, muzica, sport, manele, casa, filme, playboy, auto sau Bebo, MySpace, World Cup, metacafe, radioblog, video, rebelde, mininova, wiki, adica cele mai cautate cuvinte pe internet/google. In ceea ce priveste Microsoft, Windows Live Search, topul primelor zece cele mai cautate cuvinte cheie in 2006 include aproape numai staruri: Ronaldinho, liderul listei, urmat de Shakira, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Harry Potter, Eminem, Pamela Anderson, Hillary Duff, telenovela “Rebelde” si Angelina Jolie.Pai ar fi frumos?

Vineri / Cinema

De ce vineri? Pentru ca biletul e mai ieftin, intrucat incepe weekend-ul si deoarece nu exista alternativa.

De ce Cinema? Fiindca e gol. Unde ai mai pomenit sa beneficiezi singur de o sala intreaga la un pret de nimic: cat un sandvis de 2 lei. Bine, fie, de 4 lei, da’ tot de 2 lei e gustul cu care ramai.

Sambata / Teatru

Viata bate filmul iar piesa bate cartea. Alchimistul pe scena are in sfarsit sens. Sandra Brown din Paulo Coelho dispare aidoma flacaului care s-a transformat in vant.

“Cand vrei ceva cu adevarat, tot Universul conspira la realizarea dorintei tale.”Sambata spre Duminica / DiscoCe fitness sau jogging! O noapte de miscare pe muzica decibelizata la maxim ne desfunda caile nervoase de abjectiile jobului in care ne zvarcolim. Spre dimineata polemizam: dogma/spirit liber, Dumnezeu/Mama Natura. Rasaritul ne surprinde impacati cu noi si intre noi la o ciorba de zdrente si o saramura numa’ buna.

Duminica / Opereta

Oboseala si somnul imi dau tarcoale. Cel putin doua simturi sunt in extaz. Frumusetea artistica ce se deruleaza prin fata mea imi alunga amorteala. Iar valsurile ma bucura precum dulcea cantare a Sirenelor pe Ulise cel inlantuit. Fotoliul cel moale imi devine catarg.

Luni / UndergroundComplet refacut, dar sceptic. Sceptic, dar deschis. Vers, chitara, zambet. La final doar artificiile lipseau. Caci palmele inrosite de aplauze alungasera gerul din suflete.“Am avut un vis in noaptea de Craciun. Mergeam pe o plaja, iar Dumnezeu pasea alaturi de mine. Pasii mi se imprimau pe nisip lasand o urma dubla. Una era a mea, cealalta a Lui. Atunci mi-a trecut prin cap ideea ca fiecare din pasii nostri reprezinta o zi din viata mea. M-am oprit ca sa privesc in urma si am revazut toti pasii care se pierdeau in departare. Dar am observat ca in unele locuri in loc de doua urme nu mai era decat una singura. Am revazut filmul vietii mele. Ce surpriza! Locurile unde nu era decat o singura urma de pasi pe nisip corespundeau cu zilele cele mai intunecate ale existentei mele, zile de neliniste si de rea-vointa, zile de egoism si de proasta-dispozitie, zile de incercari si de indoiala. Zile de nesuportat. Si-atunci intorcandu-ma inspre Domnul am indraznit sa-I reprosez: Totusi ne-ai promis ca vei fi cu noi in toate zilele, de ce nu Ti-ai tinut promisiunea? De ce m-ai lasat singur in cele mai grele momente din viata? In zilele in care aveam cea mai mare nevoie de Tine. Iar Domnul mi-a raspuns: Dragul meu, zilele pentru care n-ai vazut decat o singura urma de pasi pe nisip sunt zilele cand te-am purtat pe brate!SUBLIM!Sarbatori fericite!La multi ani! 

Doru Spectatoru’

Motto: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

In articolul anterior am strecurat intentionat o mica eroare nevinovata care a trecut neobservata. Lipsa vreunei reactii mi-a intarit convingerea ca manipularea este periculoasa, dar acceptata. Credem si inghitim fara remuscari toate bullshit-urile debitate in jurul nostru ajutati fiind de lipsa de cultura sau de convingerea ca oricum nu putem schimba nimic.

Ma duce gandul la replica primita din partea unui june in timp ce-i prezentam plin de mandrie „Prima scoala romaneasca” din Scheii Brasovului: „ Eu as vrea s-o vad pe ultima!”. Atat de original, spiritual si instinctiv incat m-a podidit zambetul.

Ma pufneste insa plansul de fiecare data cand urmaresc reclama aia idioata care te indeamna sa faci un credit pentru locuinta. Ce conteaza ca tac-tu se imbolnaveste de plamani sau ca te calca hotii? Tu ai casa noua, asa ca asuma-ti riscurile! Inca oscilam daca sa ma mut sau nu, desi n-am bani nici de-o camara, dar in conditiile astea ma las pagubas!

Apogeul mi se pare a fi atins de „Periuta care curata dintii, limba, obrajii, gingiile”, nasul, urechile, unghiile, scrotul, anusul si preputul. ’A mai tare descoperire din noul mileniu!

Acu-i inteleg pe cei ce nu se obosesc sa mearga la sala (spectacol, nu fitness): pai ai parte de comedii sau tragedii la tot pasul.

Vrei un exemplu simplu: du-te, nene, pan-la Sibiu! Pe langa faptul ca poti simti cum te-nvaluie nemurirea, parcurgand 150 km in numai 4-5 ore, ai si ocazia de a-i face pe altii sa rada de tine pentru ca stai ca fraieru’ la semafoare (mai rau ca pe Magheru sau la vama) in timp ce ei trec nestingheriti fara a tine seama de culoarea semaforului care e la ciclu permanent. Ba, mai mult decat atat, in momentul in care te destepti, aproape de destinatie, c-ai fost un papagal si treci linistit pe rosu pentru ca semaforul deserveste o groapa de 10 m lungime protejand-o timp de 5 minute din ambele sensuri, hop si milipolitia din tufis exasperata sa-ti smulga autograful pe procesul-verbal si odata cu el si permisul de conducere, desi aveai o vizibilitate de 10 km in fata si nu se apropiau vertiginos de tine decat 2 muste si un melc. Uite-asa intarzie Bregovic la concert, iar tu lasi deoparte Biblia sau Codul lui da Vinci pe care le-ncepusei in tandem si te-apuci de teste pentru examenul (sala) de conducere. Pe care-l repeti de vreo patru ori pentru ca nu stii ce trebuie sa contina trusa medicala sau ce trebuie sa faci cand din dreapta se-apropie un avion in timp ce politaiul de pe motocicleta iti face semn sa-l suni pe mobil.

Si-atunci, cand sa te mai duci la sala, sa vezi un spectacol bun?

Iti garantez insa ca, de exemplu, „Ultima ora” sau „Aici nu se simte” iti vor da puterea sa iei viata de la capat.

PS: Unde era eroarea? NORMA „de Puccini” era de fapt de Bellini.

 Doru Spectatoru’

Motto: Daca ai vointa, poti sa misti si muntii din loc. Daca ai creier, ii lasi acolo, ca nu te deranjeaza.

Fie piratii din ziua de azi sunt prosti, fie sunt PROSTI.

Se downloadeaza in draci de pe torrente, mai vartoase decat tsunamiurile din Pacific, tot ce vrei: 300, Apocalyptica sau Spiderman-ul care de-abia s-a lansat sau Harry Potter-ul (al 5-lea)care de-abia si-a turnat ultima scena sau al 6-lea care inca se turneaza. Cu subtitrare cu tot. Foaarte tare!

Si la muzica stam bine: ultimul album al lui Nelly Furtado are un titlu predestinat: „Loose”. La capitolul incasari din vanzari. „Say it right”, desi preistoric, e inca in topuri. Iar Timbaland Presents (cu „Give it to me”) il are si bunica. Dumnezeu s-o odihneasca!

Ce sa mai zic de „Ticalosii” cu care ticalosii care l-au postat pe internet deja au luat teapa. Pentru ca in ciuda campaniei imense de promovare avute a fost sters rapid de pe hard-uri fiindca ocupa locul degeaba. Cum s-a-ntamplat si cu Hartia aia albastra care A fost sau n-a fost?!

Sa revenim.

Sunt prosti pentru ca habar n-au de cultura. Daca e sa vorbim doar de greselile flagrante de traducere, sau de diacriticele care fac dialogul ininteligibil, sau de spectatorii care se perinda prin sala obturand camera video exact cand ti-e lumea mai draga, sau de imaginea HD (Hyper Deformata) obtinuta, sau de sonorul Stereo Dolby Surround care-ti permite sa auzi dialogurile, stranuturile sau gafaielile spectatorilor.

Si cum prostia se ia, uite ca ne-am molipsit! Daca-i spui unuia care-ti ofera Grindhouse (pe imdb pe locul 167 in Top 250, cu o cotatie de 8,2/10 la peste 27.000 de votanti, vazut si votat in Romania de peste 1.000 de „oligarhi parlamentari” cu 5 stele din cinci posibile) la doar 10 lei bucata ca vrei sa-l vezi la cinema te raporteaza la ANI pentru afaceri ilicite, iar daca-ti ofera pe 5 lei ultimul mp3 cu Top MTV Iulie 2007 sau cu manele si-l refuzi, ai pus-o, seara deja te cauta Politia.

Dar mai sunt si PROSTI pentru ca au uitat ca entertainment nu inseamna doar muzica si film. N-am gasit deloc Norma de Puccini, sau Hamlet, sau Ultima ora, sau Carmen de Bizet, sau Aici nu se simte.

Si sper sa nici nu le gasesc. De fapt, sunt sigur. Intrucat „cultura de carton” e ieftina. Nu ca pret, ci ca valoare. Iar prostii nu stiu ce-i aia. Norocul nostru!

Sa ne bucuram ca vor fi ocupati in continuare cu a nu stiu cata incercare de lichidare a lui Bruce (Greu de ucis 4, urmatorul fiind Imposibil de ucis) sau cu episoadele 3 sau 33 din Shrek si Piratii din Caraibe si-i vor ocoli pe „Take, Ianke si Cadar”, sau pe Barbierul din Sevilla, sau pe Netotu’, sau pe Falstaff de Verdi.

Pe cand „Othello reloaded” sau „O noapte furtunoasa 2” sau „Tartuffe returns”?

Pentru PC sau PS3…

Toate astea ca sa uitam ca da poate fi nu, sau invers!

 Doru Spectatoru’

Motto: „Impreuna cu El au rastignit doi talhari: unul la dreapta Lui si altul la stanga Lui.” Mat.27.38

Cu bunul simt ce i-ar trebui urmat El a iesit din scena si ni i-a lasat pe cei doi pe cap.

Sunt satul de omniprezenta lor in toata media: presa, radio si TV.

Incepe sa mi se atrofieze organul gandirii si sa –mi doresc un matriarhat cu o audienta euforic-romantica in care domina Cartea sfanta (Unica sau The ONE).

Aceeasi placa seara de seara care nu se mai toceste deloc si ne creste nivelul adrenalinei in detrimentul libidoului.

Diferenta fata de subiectul rubricii de fata e imensa: un spectacol (teatru, opera) este o experienta irepetabila. Emotiile traite, istoriile insusite, jocul actorilor, publicul, aplauzele si atmosfera sunt unice.

Nu le mai poti experimenta a doua oara cu acelasi efect.

Poti merge de doua sau mai multe ori la aceeasi piesa, dar cele de mai sus vor fi diferite. Cauza este, poate, aceeasi, dar efectul este diferit.

In cazul cetatii insa, la cauze diferite efectul este acelasi: o sila din ce in ce mai mare…

Si mai e o diferenta: dupa zile intregi petrecute belind ochii si urechile la dezvaluiri senzationale, scandaluri de mahala si razboaie fratricide descoperi stupefiat ca nu ai avansat deloc pe scara evolutiei umane: homo politicus este inferior lui homo neanderthalicus.

Dar tu, homo sapiens, mai ai o sansa: poti deveni homo culturalis cu un foarte mic efort. Debranseaza-te de la energia mass-media negativa si vino sa te bucuri sau sa plangi.

Altfel bucuria nebunilor va face sa TE plangi neincetat.

Hai in sala, curma-ti suferinta si potoleste-ti setea! Imbata-te cu vorbele de pe scena, soarbe cu nesat truda din fata ochilor tai si lasa-ti spiritul sa leviteze deasupra mizeriilor de pe Pamant.

Sau ia in mana o carte si umple-ti sufletul!

Sau du-te sa simti cum creste iarba. Tot iesi mai castigat!

Inchei dupa cum am inceput: ce e mai divin (scuzati, dar acceptati, va rog, blasfemia!): sa mori predicand sau depasindu-ti targetul?

Sau, ca sa nu suparam inalte fete, ce e mai demonic: sa mori rastignit sau extenuat de munca?

R: Sa mori de scarba!

 Doru Spectatoru’